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Surviving Anxiety growing up with a very TOXIC family

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Wednesday, 17 June 2009

Hi, I grew up in a very toxic family with very, very abusive parents. They are both still living. I have severe anxiety which becomes overwhelming whenever a family member calls and tries to manipulate me. You see they put me in a role when I was growing up, and the role I was to play was like living in a play and I was the scapegoat.

I was blamed for everything, and anything, and severly beat. I was also beat in school, and my parents did nothing about it, so basically, I learned to become a survivor in my world if I was to live. I would squelch all of the pain by drinking, and it workded. I didn't have to care anymore, and I could move on and live a life in which I thought was appropriate. I lost so much along the way. I am 56 now. I lost so many emotional cues, and lessons about relationships. I was never taught anything unless it made my parents look good to their friends and the community. I came from a very high middle class family, and the big secret was never out. We looked like the perfect family, but in reality my brother's and I hated each other. We faought all the time, and when father came home someone always got a beating, and it ususally was his favorite son, me. I have survied all these years by just drinking to keep the relentless pain repressed, and my anxiety aould become more and more prevalent. I could write a book of all of the war stories, but I think that what is more important now is that I keep trying to make adjustments in my psyche to keep my anxiety and unknown fears in check. They are false, just like my life was, as a child. I became successful as an engineer, but my success was based on a very wicked political personality and I could act out on someone and move on, only just to make more money, and along came more anxiety.

Today I survive by using some meds. I am a diabetic(for 32 years). I have to manage that or I will die. I grew up with diabetes and my parents refused to recognize that so I had to go to the doctors nyself . They would give me credit cards, and I would just spend what I needed to survive with that disease. In my life now I have a wonderful support system, and she helps me stay on a righteous path, and reminds me that anxiety is a state of mind that I can control, but it is hard work !! I pray. I use 12 step programs. I have mood swings becauseof my diabetes and that makes life a bit more difficult, I have many complications with the diabetes, but I keep praying to my God that I be ok. I also had a heart attack, and quintuple bypass. My ole heart must be very stong for I am still here, but when I get an anziety attack I also have to manage  that. One apsect of managementof my anxiety is that I will not speak to any family memebers.

be back soon

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Irish said:

106
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You are most definitely a hugh survivor. It's amazing how much your mind and body will adjust to survive. Sorry to hear all this about your childhood and the abuses. I hate child abuse as it is really directed at someone who can't defend themself. But as you say, you are still here. I'm also glad to hear you pray to God. That works for me as well. This life is a trial period and is over before you know it. Hang in there. It seems the worst is over for you and you can take whatever else is left in life in stride. There's a reason for everything and I truly do believe that everything evens out even if it takes the next life to do so. BTW, I am 65, so I have you in age by 9 years. Take care...Ed
 
August 22, 2009
Votes: +2

belladreamz said:

5138
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I can certainly relate to your story. I had 6 brothers and sisters and come from a very abusive life. My parents beat me everyday. Mostly my mom. I was told I was a worthless little bitch all my life.

I am still suffering abuse from my family. I cut them out of my life for years until my son died and they came around again. I don't understand why family does this to us??

My life has been one long nightmare and losing my son was the straw that broke the camel's back. I fight to sleep and that is a losing battle for sure.

I am 52 but have felt like I was 100 for as long as I can remember. I hate going to sleep because I don't want the next day to come and what it may bring and usually does! I shake and tremble. The list goes on and on. Everyone thinks I am so strong but inside I am screaming and crying and just wish I could be with my son.

I am drowning and I hope I can reach a point where I can live again. I am so lost and feel so alone.
 
February 02, 2010
Votes: +3

judeclemens said:

6862
Surviving Anxiety growing up with a very TOXIC family
I just hope that way back then you found any religious group or an organization that you can depend on and can help you in your troubles ease your pains and taught you some good points in life.I am hoping that it is still not too late for you for this.-protein supplements
 
July 31, 2011 | url
Votes: +2

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August 15, 2011 | url
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