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Substance survivor story

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Thursday, 02 April 2009

Yea damn 60 mg.  I started on Paxil when I was 14...that stuff messed me up real good.  Mood swings I was nuts.  Finally I got onto Celexa which has been treating me better. I also stopped smoking weed because I smoked some stuff (which I can only assume was laced) and had a psychotic break...it wasn’t pretty spend a weekend on the 4th floor of the hospital... (loony bin) that place scared me.  Anyways it all started when I joined kindergarten.


My mom was an addict in gambling and alcohol and my dad wasn’t around.  So when she dropped me off at school I wouldn’t want to go cause I knew when I got out she wouldn’t be there and wouldn’t be back for days.  Me and my sis had to scrounge for food or beg the neighbors. I ate spoons of earthworms for dinner many times.  Anyway that’s when the abandonment issues and the separation anxiety started.


Then I moved in with my dad with my siblings and that’s when the abuse started. My sister got the brunt of it my brother was the aggressor. He beat the crap out of her over and over again. I don’t know y, he was very very mentally ill back then, so was my dad it runs in the family.  This is turning into a survivor story...maybe ill post it lol.


Anyways the physical became sexual and I was witness to it all. So there started the fear of men. My dad was abusive as well he threw her against the wall a few times but it was just that he didn’t understand her anxiety (she was crippled by it more than anyone I’ve seen) so I went through hell everyday at school as a lot of us did. Chronic anxiety makes it hard to learn so my grades suffered.


I took refuge in the counselor’s office for most of the day and she just made me feel calm. She let me cry she let me laugh she gave me Christmas presents when there weren’t any at home. Now don’t get me wrong my dad did everything he could.  He supported three mentally ill kids when he was very ill himself.  He always refused to believe that mental illness was actually a real thing and not just a phase that you could just shut off for this reason he never took meds and never went to a dr. so he was unpredictable.  He worked very hard to make things ok for us. He had dinner on the table every night and was there for every parent teacher meeting or birthday. He did his best to replace favorite toys that mom had pawned.


Eventually mom got clean and pulled her self together.  My sister moved there to get away from the violence of my brother and my dad and found solace in my mother.  Finally someone that accepted her and understood that she needed real help and that she wasn’t making it up.


Next to go was my brother. My mom wouldn’t let him live with her and my sis though because a sexual abuse event had been brought to light now that my sister felt comfortable and that she was being listened to. So there I lived with my dad and his girl friend in Saskatchewan.  Things were hard dad didn’t understand me.  And I felt like he would kill himself if I did a wrong move. He was very unstable and he had the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen.  So there I stayed because as a young girl I swore to him that I would never leave him for mom after what she did to us.  He badmouthed her all the time and I grew up to believe that she was a horrid person.  Once I talked with my sister more and more I realized that she had straightened out and was trying her best.


I was fighting more and more with my dad’s girlfriend she treated me like a slave.  She would laugh when I got so scared I would cry and called me a piece of crap that shouldn’t even be alive.  Eventually I got sick of it and threw a fit. She said I was being a spoiled brat and smacked me. That was the last straw.  I packed my stuff and stormed out the door with nowhere to go. My dad followed me I told him I loved him very much and thanks for all he did for me and how hard he tried but I couldn’t stay in that situation anymore or I would kill myself. I meant it and he saw that.  So he let me go.


So there I am 14 and on the streets of Saskatoon. So I walked a few blocks and found an old lady willing to let me use her phone. So I called mom here in British Columbia and told her what happened. She bought me a ticket on the next plane outta there.  So I walked to the airport...got on the plane and came here.  Finally I started getting the help I needed. I was being accepted and loved and everything I ever wanted.

I still battle with the leaving dad when I promised I wouldn’t.  I hold a lot of guilt from that.  And I'm still not ok with what mom did.  My sister raised me for most of my life though and she’s the one I listen to the most.  She says this is the best place for me and I agree. We are both safe (she has since moved on and has a family) my dad finally broke up with that girlfriend and is getting the help he needs. He spent some time in a hospital after having a nervous breakdown. I went to see him and we made nice. So now he is on medication and sounds like he is doing better.


My sister dragged me through the trudges and without her I surely wouldn’t be here writing this today.  Things have gotten a lot better for me mentally and all that other stuff. So most of the anxiety I have is just bottled emotion. I know this because after I have a good cry I feel like I'm "normal" that ball of energy in the pit of my stomach is gone and I can smile legitimately.  For some reason it just chooses to manifest itself in the form of emetophobia. so I’m hoping with a lot of hard work and dedication one day I will master this ailment and when I do I will really take every day for what its worth. Nothing will be taken for granted cause I know what it is to live without...


So that’s my story.  I've withheld some of the more gory details to keep it pg.  I hope I succeeded lol.
Comments (3)add comment

conxx said:

Alternative Panic Attack Treatments
I love this post, as a person who was addicted to anxiety medications I can relate. I now use meditation to fight back against my attacks.
April 13, 2009 | url
Votes: +0

dreammessenger said:

I used to take Paxil. Helped me! It was a miracle for me. Now, coming off the drug was another thing. That buzzing & nausea was a drag for almost a week.
April 23, 2009
Votes: +1

vgaur said:

ur story depicts ur strength, positive attitude, and determination to fight ur problems. I am deeply moved by ur story and i wish everyone gets the same strenght as u do.i am sure ur willpower will take to where u wanna go. I think it needs great willpower and strenghth to undergo trauma of anxiety , and attempts to overcome it. But courage and willpoewer can overcome any problem. all the best and good job!!!
April 04, 2010
Votes: +0

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