Yesterday I was able to do something I haven't been able to do in what seems like forever: I went out to eat in a public restaurant. There was the usual anxiety getting ready to go, and then I felt it creeping up on me a bit more as we were on our way there. My dad was driving, so a means of escape was limited should I panic, and I felt uneasy about the whole thing. But once we got our table, sat down and ordered, I managed to make it through the entire meal without a major panic episode. Yay, I finally did something millions of other people do every day of their life without even thinking about it. I felt good, but I couldn't help but realize how ridiculous it is to be that afraid of it. Normal people should be able to go out without the risk of a panic episode.

 Nonetheless, I was very proud of myself, and even took advantage of the situation and went shopping afterwards (something else I've been afraid to do). I figured I'd better enjoy the good mood while it lasted. 

 Now if I only I could get back on a normal sleeping schedule again. I have switched to all-nights recently and wake up at 6pm and sleep at 6am. And it usually takes me a good 3-4 hours to drift off, which I attribute to the fact I have only been awake for 12 hours when I lie down, and I didn't do much of anything besides wander around the house.

 I'm reconsidering getting on medication for anxiety and possibly insomnia again, but as always, I fear the side effects. As soon as I swallow anything, my heart rate climbs higher and higher, I start sweating, and soon I convince myself I am getting all the side effects it says on the bottle. I don't know how to stop it. I guess it all stems from the horrible episode I had on Zoloft. That stuff made me feel lightheaded, I had no energy, and even my breathing was a little messed up. I never want to feel like that again, and now the experience really screwed me over because I can't take any medication without experiencing a panic attack. It doesn't matter if it's Ibuprofen, even. I have attacks when I take anything. So what to do? I worry sometimes about what I'll do if I NEED to be put on medication for something like blood pressure, or if I am going to have surgery or something. I swear sometimes I think I could work myself up into a heart attack. I feel like asking the hospital or my doctor if I can take the medication under observation first. That way if I have a major freak out, I will feel a bit more comfortable having doctors nearby. But I don't even know if this is possible.

I need to get a job again this month, so I hope I can control this anxiety enough to actually stay with one this time.

TrackBack URI for this entry

Comments (0)

Subscribe to this comment's feed