well another day another dr....i woke up this morning feel a lil better ... i wasnt thinkin about killing myself and am still not.  my anxiety was fairly low so off we went to this other doctor.  we got into alot of my childhood alot of the abuse and drugs and all that crap. she taught me some ways to make myself feel better for example walk by an elementary school and ask myself if i think that 7 year old should be taking care of his crack addicted mother and abusive father.  i need to learn that it was and still is out of my control.  me and my mom went to the addiction specialist place its just up a floor.  so shes gunna get sum counseling and i am too.  im holding alot of guiilt and fear from her drug addiction. shes been clean for 10 years now  but i still worry everyday that if i say the wrong thing or even if i leave and get my own place that she will return to drugs.  so i think that it will be good for both of us to get sum help and then eventually we are both gunna do like a group counselling thing with her counsellor and mine and us together in the same room. so that will be interesting.  i find it really hard to tell her what i feel cause i dont want her to feel bad in any way i no she did her best and she didnt no any better she was way to young when she got married and had kids.  eether way i also got this number for a group thats startin in a week or so.  ive already done all the pre cog therapy and i no all about it but this will give me the chance to practice it in a group setting and i could use a refresher anyways...so i set a date with my family doctor for a couple of weeks from today and am just waiting to hear back from the group coordinator and hopefully i can pull myself outta this hole again...

feelin a little better....

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rippelk2 said:

... wow, sounds like you are accomplishing a lot. You say I'm an inspiration, you are an inspiration as well! Wow! I feel for you because I have a friend that was in a similar situation to yours when you were a kid and she is still experiencing the same fears that you are. I think your plan with your doctor and your mom's is great and I think that you could make some serious progress and hopefully your mother too. Just know that whatever happens, it is NOT your fault. Addicts will always be addicts and it is no ones fault if they go back. No ones but their own. I know it is petrifying to even think of that, remind your mom that she is a strong woman and you are so proud of her. But I think later on when you two have a group meeting under the supervision of your therapists that you will be able to get rid of a load that has probably felt like the universe on your shoulders from all of the repressed emotions you feel towards your mom and how you felt as a child since you feel that you can't talk to her about these things. You are an inspiration indeed :) Welcome to the site!

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September 30, 2008
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