well i went to my family doctor today for a regular pap test...but i told her about the way i been feeling lately this is nothing new to me...ive read all the books ive done pre cog and yea it makes sense to me but its hard to put in use for myself...the doctor asked me if i have any guilt...hell yea i have guilt...i have guilt for draggin my mom to the er when she hasta work that night...i feel guilty for leaving my dad to come live with my mom when i always promised him i never would.  i feel guilty for being friends with my brother after everything he did to me and my sister,,,but i hafta forgive sumtime right.? i mean i cant just hate these ppl my entire life they didnt no anybetter my sister went through hell and i watched every second of it..she took many punches for me and saved me from alot of shit...she moved away a long time ago and now im stuck with my mom who i feel like i dont even no she used to be a drug addict and an alchaholic.  but im so scared to talk to her about it because i dont wanna trigger anything there but there is alot of animosity on my end anyways becuase of the way she left us and gambled away everything we have and she still hates my dad even tho he fuckin took us in when she ditched,...my dad has really bad bipolar disorder.  his life was hell when i was living with him..he tried to kill himself alot and i always felt that if i left like my sister and my brother did then he would really end it...even to this day on the rare occasion that i do talk to him he still sounds sad as fuck.  i have alot of shit to deal with inside but i dont think my family has the strenght to face what i wanna say....well thats all for now

thanks for listening 

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rippelk2 said:

... wow, you wonder why you have anxiety and panic problems, wow! no one should have to go through all of those feelings and all of that guilt that isn't even your fault. It must be hard and I couldn't even imagine what a strong person you are. All those repressed emotions though are probably taking their toll on you and that is most likely what is causing your anxiety and panic. Hang in there! :)

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September 30, 2008
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