It has been a crazy week.  I went to visit my daughter in PA last Thursday after not seeing her for a month.  I went with my sister to pick her up from PreSchool where she attends with her cousin.  She saw me and yelled, "Mommy" and then looked at one of her little friends and said, "That's my mommy"  It was so adorable.  She ran over to me and jumped into my arms.  It was bitter sweet.   I felt so happy to see her and so scared of the future.  How many times was I going to have to leave to return to CA until my house sold...what if it didn't sell, etc.  I try to keep all that in check....but as the time grew from when I last saw her....my strength was starting to give some.  Yes it was the right decision to take Ashley to PA and she is fine and doing great.....but me......ouch....tough to handle.

So we spent time together and we all went looking at houses for us when I move back.  Then on Saturday my husband  calls.....we had an offer on our house.  They want to close escrow on October 17.  OMG!!!  Now.....this is great...but it's happening so fast....instead of worrying about the old worries regarding my daughter, the reality of leaving my marriage, job, life is overwhelming.  And it has to happen QUICK.

So I'm back in CA.......3 weeks and a few days to get everything done.  I'm having some insomnia.  Sometimes I have negative thought patterns like.....When I finally move, something is going to happen to me and how ironic will that be that I finally move and then I die.  Quite crazy thinking really....so I am getting regular massages, exercising every day and taking care of myself to keep away from those intrusive thoughts as much as I can.  I am almost done with Ashley's 3rd video project...and it is totally awesome!!!!!  So I am trying to focus on that positive project and it's near completion.

I will do what needs to be done regarding this move.  But it is sad and scary.  My husband and I have a good plan in place for him to visit Ashley at least every 6 weeks for 5 day trips and then for a few weeks over her birthday and/or Christmas or summer. It is still hard for me to let go of some guilt that I took Ashley's dad from her.  That's not the truth...but I feel that way sometimes.  lamy

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earthmama said:

	... You are going to do it! ;) I am so proud of you for taking this step. It sounds like things are working out the way that they are supposed to! Keep taking care of yourself, and everything else will fall into place.
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September 24, 2008
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scooby said:

... Dear lamy, Wow! Your house sold, that's great. And I know how hard that would have been walking up to your daughter after time apart. It really will all fall into place. You deserve this. But I would be having the exact same negative thoughts to - sometimes we expect that when things finally go our way, a meteor will land on our head. But if that's what the universe plans for you, well, at least you showed that you have strength and learned to do the right thing by YOU. Hugs!

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September 27, 2008
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