It's been a while. I'm still dealing with some godawful virus that has been hanging around for 3 months now.  SInus infection, cough that just wont quit. But at least I'm not the only one in this part of the world with it, or else I'd be convinced I had some underlying disorder haha.  I'd really love my sense of smell back though - lost that weeks ago.

The other worry was pain i had for a while, but ultrasounds came back clear, and there is nothing untoward going on in my belly. Just my overanxious mind kicking in again.  I am currently working on lowering my blood pressure and cholesterol, as I was chewed out over that by a doctor. Am happy to report that I have lost 8 kilos in the last couple of months, and still going. YAY!!!  I have clothes hanging loose, and I feel a lot more confident again.

But I think there are several reasons for my blood pressure being up. Number one - my mother moved in with us 2 weeks ago, as her crazy sister kicked her out. Now our garage is crammed with her belongings, her furniture is in storage, and she is living in my 6 year olds bedroom with all his toys. Nice life for a 63 year old woman. The mean part of me says she made her bed she can lay in it, but it also breaks my heart that her life has come to this, when she had two husbands who gave her the world, and now she has nothing because she had to chase after a loser.

We can never predict how our lives will end up, and I am certainly learning that now. 20 years ago, all I wanted was to get married and have kids, now all I want is to leave. It has been nearly 2 years since any feelings I had for my husband disappeared.  A lot of it I attribute to the way I came out of my last breakdown.

I needed to change, and change I did!   I learnt that I mattered. I learnt that I was not responsible for the happiness of others. I learnt that I could be confident and attractive and happy WITHOUT my husband. I learnt that if I wanted to lose the anxiety and depression,  I had to develop self esteem.  Oh wow, I learnt so much, and now I am MISERABLE again!!!

I have to make a decision. Do I leave and break everybody's heart. Or do I stay and break my own heart.  I have done some research, and I can maybe manage to live alone with my kids. Between part time work and benefits, it can be done.

I swore I would never put my kids through a family breakup, but I am realising that if it is done right, it won't end up the total mess that my parents put US through, with court hearings that went on for years as well as emotional blackmail and namecalling. I will never forgive my parents for that debacle.

I would make sure my husband sees his kids every day, and I can see us staying friends, but it is not fair to stay with him anymore.  Two years since we have shared a bed, all I do is ridicule and complain.  There are many reasons why it has come to this, but it does not help that he has NOT tried to better himself. He is dangerously obese, he could die from his snoring, and I am so repulsed by all this. EVERYTHING he does annoys me!! I cannot see myself ever being attracted to him even if he loses the weight. Whatever brought us together has gone. I know I was never madly in love, just took what I could get, now I realise how much I didn't like anything about it - his family, even his name which is now mine I always hated!  Not good.

It may take a while, but I have started the logistics in my mind. Costs, how to arrange the shared care of our boys, making sure their routine stays the same. Seeing as my husband does shiftwork, not much will actually change - it could work out they see him MORE!

There is another thing to throw into the mix. And this is only a small influence on my above decision, as that has been coming for a long time.  I met someone a couple of months ago, and although it has not, and likely will not, come to anything, I have been knocked sideways by my feelings. I now know what I have been missing - total attraction to someone. An instant connection.  But there are many issues to get around, so I guess I'll be holding my breath and feeling this pain of hating being at home, and wanting so much to be with someone else, for a long while.

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earthmama said:

	... Scooby, It sounds like you are going to follow your heart. Sometimes it is easier to rip that band-aid off, rather than pulling it off one hair at a time. Your kids will thrive with a mother who is happy with herself, not one who is sacrificing her happiness for them. Hang in there!!!
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September 07, 2008
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lamy12 said:

... Hi Sonya~I am so glad you posted..I have been thinking about you. Sorry you have such a nasty virus.....hope you are on the road to recovery. I am certainly no expert in marriage...lol....but our experiences are similar in a lot of ways. The thing I have learned that has helped me alot is that my husband does not have to be "bad" or so horrible in my eyes in order for me to be able to make a decision that staying with him is not the right decision for me. That was really tough for me to get to...I always felt less guilty if it was HIS fault I wanted out. I wanted to blame him because yes....there are consequences for my daughter to the decisions I make regarding leaving.....I spent many sessions with my counselor dealing with that guilt. I think we are better off and can make things better for our daughter since I am not focusing on how horrible he is. Leaving is not how I planned my life to turn out but life happens and we have to make the right choices for us. Whatever that may be. As far as the other guy...you know my advice on that!!! But it's tough. I'm going to be going to PA every month until I finally move there and I am really tempted to see my old flame...... Anyway...PM me anytime....I'm thinking of you and hoping you are doing ok. hus lamy

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September 07, 2008
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scooby said:

	... Thank you both. And thank you for not judging. Now more than ever I believe everything happens for a reason, and it seems things are happening all at once to assist in the decision making. Weird. XXX
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September 08, 2008
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