Too many years lost to anxiety/panic

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Thursday, 04 September 2008

It all started when I was 18, I am now almost 56. I have had a lifelong battle with this illness. I know that these symptoms are cyclic and when I have something to do or go or take care of that I am unsure about, symptoms come back. I am on Zoloft and as needed zanex or the likes. Frankly, I think this all is from repressed feelings of anger/disappointment and not venting appropriatley. Also I know this is genetic as it runs in my family.I am very secretive about my illness. Strangley I'd rather go it alone in situations then have someone see me neurotic. I wont go on public transport or seat in the middle of an aisle in the theatre. Dr. told me as long as there are other alternatives to being in those specific situations then I should do it. For those that have no other way i.e. public transportation, then they have additional problems. I am very frightened of getting sick. I had a sister pass away from illness when I was 6. This event set the stage for my fear of getting sick.I hate to travel because I am afraid I will get sick. I think- what if i do get sick, big deal everyone does. But that logic doesn't seem to work. I get over stressed and then I don't feel well. It's a catch 22. I can't get outta my own way. In writing this is all seems so stupid and ridiculous. I get so angry at myself because it makes no sense, yet this is a constant under current in my life. I realize that Ive had panic/anxiety since I was a small child, but during the 1950's no one was clued in the all this.When my panic was the worst (14-23yrs old) I actually thought I was possessed by some evil force. It wasnt until the years passed that info started to emerge about panic/anxiety disorders. Thankfully.I know I am not unique or alone anymore. Thank you all for being there and truly understanding. Maybe someday they'll be some magic pill that will eliminate all these symptoms. This is my first blog.God Bless and protect all of us. Your feedback will be of great comfort to me. Best to All.

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