I can't even begin to tell you all how I am feeling...This whole upcoming week is panic trigger central to me. So much is going on this week that are triggers for me and my anticipation of all these things is just killing me. It makes me so weak all this physical anxiety. I really ask myself how we all do it everyday. Sometimes I'm actually sore from being so tense all day...Anyway, this is my crazy upcoming week:

 Tomorrow I have a big family party for labor day (not too much worries, but I have a lot of last minute packing to do to move into school again)

 Monday: I move back into my dorm on campus and they give us no time to settle in and relax because our first day of classes are the next day! ugh! Not to mention this is the first semester that I haven't had my bf because he graduated with me and he is in d.c. with his new career now so he isn't really around to physically be near me at all and I always ran to him for comfort whenever I need to. That scares the living daylights out of me.

Tuesday: I have my first day of classes, 5 in a row, 8:10a.m. to 6p.m. straight! no breaks! that's a 10 hour day!!! I know NO ONE in any of my classes because i'm a semester behind and all my friends graduated. I just know my panic is going to be so intense and I can't stand it. I hate new things..

Wednesday: I have a very important meeting with a teacher that I am conducting research and helping her conduct an experiment for a psychological journal on students.

 Thursday: I have the same schedule as Tuesday, that's another 10 hour day of classes but at least I'll know what to expect this time....

Friday: This one is the ZINGER, ICING ON THE CAKE! I am traveling completely by myself for the FIRST time EVER by train from CT to Washington d.c... I have to take a cab myself for the first time to the station but I am mostly freaked out about waiting in line to get my ticket. Lines are torture for me, not every minute but EVERY SECOND I am in one... Then I'm going to have to find my train....I don't even know how to find my train, I know what gate i'm going to be looking for but am not familiar with the station.....AND i'm getting there early but I dont' know if i'm going to be rushing and trying to catch my train because I HATE rushing, or if I'm going to have all this time to kill which will KILL ME because I can't stand waiting it is such a large trigger for my panic because i'm already going to be freaking out and then waiting and thinking about it are going to send me off the roof sky rocketing...oh god, I am so frightened...completely and utterly frightened to death!!! I am going to take a extra xanax but i'm sure a lot of you understand me when I say, they only help so much. They don't stop panic attacks by any means, at least I don't think so....Everything would be fine with me if things could just go smoothly, If I had my ticket already, walked in the door, they start boarding and i get on my train and leave....AND I could be sitting next to a complete stranger who I don't know (if it's a man it will make me even more anxious, don't know why, but it will, i just know it...) and what if I freak out and then he thinks I am crazy!?!!?! my thoughts are so rapid and crazyyyy!!!!

As for right now, my anticipratory worry is off the charts...it's sky rocketing and is going to break through the universe, I wonder what's after the universe, haha....the anticipation is almost the worst...This is how my mind works, i'll anticipate things, I'll be walking into the station doors saying "please dont' let their be a long line (if any) please not a long line please please not a long line PLEASE, and then i'll see a long line and my panic will begin, then i'll be in line and my panic will get worse....ugh...I see what happens b4 it even happens! GRRRR

 Does anyone know how busy the train stations are around 7 in the morning?! probably really super busy i'm guessing bc that's when everyone is getting on to travel to different work positions....WHY DO I HAVE THIS STUPID PANIC DISORDER IT RUINS MY F*CKING LIFE I HATE IT!!!!!!

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panicqueenvictoria said:

... Ive found that if u hv to wait on lines- hate em too- I keep myself occupied. Headphones on/music on. I also bought an electronic reader from Amazon called Kindle. I can read, listen to music= distraction. I know when i have to travel I work extra hard not to project the what if's. Strangley if im feeling bad- i'll usually strike up a conversation and be honest about my feelings with the person I'm seated with. So far everyone has been beyond nice and comforting. When in Italy the old woman next to me on the plane give me her worry beads. Worked like a charm and this lady was a lifeline. Keep cool my baby- works better than freaking out. Nothing good comes from projection. NOTHING. Best always, PQVictoria

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September 04, 2008
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