I had my first panic attack a year and a half ago, and like many, I immediately thought I was dying. I remember it was as if the room suddenly began closing in on me, I found it hard to get any air, and my heart was pounding in my chest. I sat down on the couch and focused on breathing, just sure I would pass out and lose consciousness any second. But fifteen minutes later, my heart had slowed down, my breathing returned to normal, and I sat there shaken up, wondering what had just happened to me.

 The next one came a few months later. That time I landed in the emergency room, convinced I would never make it out of there alive. I remember looking around at the doctors and nurses, screaming inside my head "SOMEBODY HELP ME!" I was never more terrified, never more certain that I would not make it. But then the EKG results came back along with the other tests and, of course, I was fine. The ER doc wrote me a prescription for Klonopin and I was sent home. 

 As soon as I got home, I jumped on the Internet and read everything I could find about these "anxiety attacks." I experienced some mild relief when I read the symptoms--all of them matched what I had felt. It felt good to know that what I was suffering from was not something that would kill me, that it was all in my head.

 The relief, however, didn't last for long. Like many, I began to fear having another attack. If there was nothing to keep my mind occupied, I'd randomly find myself paying careful attention to how I was breathing, whether or not I was hot or cold, if my heart was beating at a normal pace. I worried so much about these things, half the time it brought on an attack in itself. 

I went from having an attack several times a month to having one every single day. Not all of them were full-blown attacks. To me, a full-blown attack was when my breathing was labored, my heart was racing, and I felt ready to pass out. Those kinds of attacks came every now and then, but I had limited-symptom attacks on a daily basis. Sometimes my heart would beat faster than normal, sometimes my breathing would be shallow. While they are certainly preferable over full-blown attacks, they still take their toll, especially when occurring daily.

 I've been through five jobs this year alone, all of them ending because I would have a panic attack so severe, I would literally get up and walk out on my job. I always called after I got home, after the attack had subsided, trying to explain to my superiors why i suddenly got up and left my job without saying anything. And even though they acted like they understood, I'd still get fired.

My social life has also been hit hard. Before the attacks, I was very social--I'm 23 years-old. I'd go out drinking with friends, shopping, doing things every young person my age does on weekends. Now, I'm lucky if I can find anyone to do something with. I've had to get up and leave parties and special occasions many times, sometimes with no explanation. I'd always call later on, trying to explain. Fact is, no one wants to be around a big ball of nerves. Talk about a buzzkill. Not that it matters anymore. I can barely go to the grocery store without suffering an attack. If there's any sort of line to wait in, forget it. I'll have one just standing there. When I do go out with the few friends I have left, I always have to drive myself. I need to know I can escape any time I need to. I don't want to rely on a friend to take me home.

I have been prescribed Xanax, but I do not like the "drugged" feeling. If I feel like I'm not in control of myself, I just panic more. I took it once, had an attack, and never took it again. I'd rather face the attacks than be on drugs.

I find it frustrating how many doctors treat this disorder. They tell you all sorts of useless things like "Just try to relax" while writing you a prescription for some benzodiazepine. It's like they don't even care. I have given up on doctors doing anything to help me.

I have found two things that seem to help ward off an attack: taking a drive in the car, and showers. In the car, it's just me, by myself, in a confined space. I am left alone to focus on my breathing and I think the driving also distracts me. In the shower, I just let the water run down my body and feel the stress going away with it. 

 I try to keep my mind on other things, but it's hard. I have read up on the deep breathing exercises and what to do to ward off stress. It does help, but not without a lot of self-confidence.

I currenly don't work, as keeping a job is almost impossible. I plan on exercising at night (the heat seems to bring on an attack), keeping a journal, and have recently taken an interest in religion. I'm ready to try anything that helps.

My only hope is that I can learn to either get rid of, or control these attacks, so that I can move back in with my fiance by this Winter. I am lucky to have a few people in my life that support me and understand what I'm going through.

Life with these attacks can be incredibly trying at times, and even though I tell myself "It's just your mind" when I am not having an attack, when one does strike, it's like all that preparation goes away and I am left defenseless one again. It is hard to convince yourself you're not dying when you're actually having an attack.

 Still, at least some times during the day, I feel normal. I feel confident, like "I can beat this." Sometimes, I just feel like giving up. Like it would be easier to die than live like this. But then, inevitably, someone says something funny to cheer me up, or I find myself actually enjoying myself. And I realize how silly I am to be so caught up in how I am feeling at the moment of panic to think that that is how it will always be. It's very hard to break that negative mindset.

 Mostly, I feel angry. Angry that I have to be like this at 23, when all my friends are out having fun, enjoying their youthful years. I try to harness this anger in hopes that it will give me the strength to defeat this thing.

But it helps to know that I am not alone. That there are many others out there, just like me, that know exactly what I'm going through. I am working on beating this without drugs, without psychiatry, just relying on my anger, God, and the power within myself. I hope it all gets better soon. 

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a guest said:

	I know how you feel :( I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes after or during a PA I think
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April 29, 2009
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a guest said:

I know how you feel :( I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes after or during a PA I think about killing myself. I am so angry that I have to deal with this. I wonder how long it will continue or if I will ever lead a somewhat normal life. The only thing that keeps me going is hope and the poeple that love me and don't want to lose me. It's soooooo hartd to accept this as a part of yourself, at least for now.

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April 29, 2009
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