I thought I could do it - control the anxiety, head off the panic attacks, forget the agrophobia and have a life. But I'm drowning. I can't make sense of anything and I hurt. What worry to put first? I don't know - they all connect.

My daughter is 20 weeks pregnant, but split from her boyfriend. She's living in 1 room 2 hours away from me. Her ex is treating her cruelly. Thanks to new laws here in UK, he's going to court for full custody of the baby as he has a house and steady income. So we are dealing with lawyers and I'm over £3000 in debt to the bank already. My daughter went to uni then overseas so hasn't worked enough weeks to receive full maternity pay, which is why she's still away from home - she has a job she has to stay with to get as many weeks in as she can. The baby is small from the scans. Her health is deteriorating - she has paralytic migraine which I'm scared may cause loss of oxygen to the baby. I hurt so much for the pain she is suffering.

I am trying to stop smoking for the baby and finances and also because our home may be inspected by the court to decide if the baby should live here (she's planning to live with us with the baby) Apart from creating a nursery, I am decorating throughout and the carpets are going to be professionally cleaned. My partner - no relation to her - has a good job, but his salary is taken into account which means she can't claim tax credits when she starts to work again - if she can find a job here.

My Aunt (87 with Altzheimers) is in hospital being assessed to see if  she can go home. It's unlikely. Which means her house has to be cleared and there's only me to do it. It's 70 miles away and it has to be done because she will have to pay for her care with the proceeds.

 All this and yet there's only one thing I seem able to focus on. The guinea pig died.

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rippelk2 said:

... oh maddie, i'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. I hope that you realize and you know that with all of the extremes going on in your life right now, it is completely NORMAL to be feeling all the panic and anxiety you are feeling. Because we deal with disorders it may just physically be more of a burden on us as opposed to someone without a panic disorder, but they would be a mess too. What a fu*in a$$hole the father is being! What is wrong with him, how can he do that. I'm sure all this stress is not good for your daughter, but know that you can't take on all of her pain(I'm sure you wish you could), you can only be there for her and help support her through this. Usually the courts side with the mother if that gives you any feelings of relief. I just don't understand why the father would be asking for "full" custody, and why the courts would ever allow it bc your daughter is fully capable of being a good mother and hasn't done anything to show otherwise. As far as quitting smoking goes, i'm sure you smoked longer then me, but i smoked 7 yrs and quit cold turkey and my 3 year anniversary will be in february of 09. You can do it, stay strong. I envy you for trying to quit in such a hard time in your life right now. I heard chantix works WONDERS for quitting smoking, it's a pill. I know more then 10 success stories from personal friends/family members. I'm sorry to hear about your guinnea pig. :( Isn't it so true, when it rains, it pours. For some reason bad things seem to come in plenty and all together at the same time. I think it's time for some of that good to come in plenty all together for you. Try to keep your head up. I'm here for you. You can pm if you need. :) ((((hugs))))

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August 06, 2008
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rippelk2 said:

... oh maddie, i'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. I hope that you realize and you know that with all of the extremes going on in your life right now, it is completely NORMAL to be feeling all the panic and anxiety you are feeling. Because we deal with disorders it may just physically be more of a burden on us as opposed to someone without a panic disorder, but they would be a mess too. What a fu*in a$$hole the father is being! What is wrong with him, how can he do that. I'm sure all this stress is not good for your daughter, but know that you can't take on all of her pain(I'm sure you wish you could), you can only be there for her and help support her through this. Usually the courts side with the mother if that gives you any feelings of relief. I just don't understand why the father would be asking for "full" custody, and why the courts would ever allow it bc your daughter is fully capable of being a good mother and hasn't done anything to show otherwise. As far as quitting smoking goes, i'm sure you smoked longer then me, but i smoked 7 yrs and quit cold turkey and my 3 year anniversary will be in february of 09. You can do it, stay strong. I envy you for trying to quit in such a hard time in your life right now. I heard chantix works WONDERS for quitting smoking, it's a pill. I know more then 10 success stories from personal friends/family members. I'm sorry to hear about your guinnea pig. :( Isn't it so true, when it rains, it pours. For some reason bad things seem to come in plenty and all together at the same time. I think it's time for some of that good to come in plenty all together for you. Try to keep your head up. I'm here for you. You can pm if you need. :) ((((hugs))))

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rippelk2 said:

	... just to let you know, i dunno why that mad face is next to the guinnea pig comment...so ignore that please, guess you can't edit things you say to people on the blogs...
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rippelk2 said:

	... just to let you know, i dunno why that mad face is next to the guinnea pig comment...so ignore that please, guess you can't edit things you say to people on the blogs...
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ceejay said:

... Dear Maddie - what a mess!! It all sounds so hard and so confusing!! No wonder you feel like you're drowning! Do take some time to meditate and to calm your mind. Do those visualizations and bring some of that emotional healing to yourself - you are so good at providing it to others!! You can bring that same energy in to you. It won't cure the problems, but it will help you be strong enough to swim with the huge waves ahead of you! You're not alone - all of us are with you and love you! One small thing at a time. And the Guinea Pig - perhaps the Universe knew that this small sacrifice would help you focus and relieve a tiny bit of stress and allow you to cry and grieve without swamping you with fear. Much love - Cindy

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August 07, 2008
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ceejay said:

... Dear Maddie - what a mess!! It all sounds so hard and so confusing!! No wonder you feel like you're drowning! Do take some time to meditate and to calm your mind. Do those visualizations and bring some of that emotional healing to yourself - you are so good at providing it to others!! You can bring that same energy in to you. It won't cure the problems, but it will help you be strong enough to swim with the huge waves ahead of you! You're not alone - all of us are with you and love you! One small thing at a time. And the Guinea Pig - perhaps the Universe knew that this small sacrifice would help you focus and relieve a tiny bit of stress and allow you to cry and grieve without swamping you with fear. Much love - Cindy

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