This is my story, or at least a summary of what I have gone thru.

 I have always suffered from anxiety, and the need to always make sure things are taken care of and looked after. I know now that this stems from very deep responsibilites from when I was younger. My dad drank while I was growing up, and my mom worked very hard to take care of my brother and I. My brother, who is younger, was born with a cleft lip and palate, and numerous learning and developmental disabilities. At a very early age, I took care of him while my mom was working nights, and my dad was drinking. I was very protective of him, and I felt it was my job to do this. Of course it was never my job per say, but I never complained about it, it was just how it was. Looking back now, I feel sad for the little girl that I was, and the large responsibilites on her shoulders. 

I moved out shortly after I turned 17, and I worked so very hard to make it on my own. I pushed and I did everything to make my parents proud of me, and to get ahead. I was not going to end up like my mom, I was not going to be trapped in a marriage afraid and unable to leave with two kids. No, I would be financiallly set and I would never be with someone that had a drinking problem, so I left home early, determined to never look back. I know where I came from, and I dont regret it, in fact, I wouldn't even trade it. So over 10 years I did everything I could to set myself up in life financially and career wise. All along though, I forgot about me, I never listened to the signs I was given, I never took the time for me, and I always did what I thought others would have wanted me to do.  I bought my first house when I was 23, I worked full time and went to school at nights. I never had enough alone or quiet time to even reflect on things. I didn't allow for it. Well......I continued to work hard, I continued to believe that success and happiness would only come from a career, and being financially ahead and stable. 

7 years ago my mom was diagnosed with primary progressive ms. It devestated me, but I didn't allow it to destroy me. Actually, it was easier to deal with if I just didn't think about it.  Well, this went from a disease that we were once told would only affect about 10% of patients to the point of being unable to walk, well....knowing our luck, my mom was in a wheelchair after only a few years. All of my parents retirement plans, and outgoing adventerous lifesyle was pulled to a halt, literally. My mom went from doing everything outside to crawling on the floor of the house. I watched as my parents dreams were shattered, and I went thru and still am going thru a period of questioning how many roadblocks my family could be given. But I continued to be strong, it was all I knew how to do, and I needed to be strong, for everyone. Everyone, like before, relied on me. I moved closer to my parents house, and I had my brother move in with me, and again I was taking care of him. I never once questioned it, just like before. 

My brother lived with me for 2 years ago, until I met my husband, after which I sold my house, and moved in with him. We have been married for just over one year, and have known eachother for 3 years. What I and him didn't know, was just how much pain I was carrying with me all this time, and that no matter how strong you are, everyone has a breaking point, and I had mine April of this year. 

Now I have always thought that whatever doesn't kill you can only make you stronger, well I really doubted this. Physically I was going thru hell, I had gone thru so much change, from not looking after my brother, to moving, getting married, and taking on a new family from my own (which I later learned had their fair share as well). It didn't take long before everyone needed a piece of me, including my mother in law, (who is also ill with a disease), so again, I never questioned it, I plunged again, started a new career, started going back to school again at nights, and trying my best to now be a wife, daughter, friend, care giver....etc. etc.., and then it all came to a halt. 

 In April I had a terrible panic attack at work, and I actually had to leave the situation and come home. I beat myself up over this so bad, that I actually drove myself to become so sick that I thought I would not make it. I went 6 nights with no sleep, and ended up in the hospital. I won't get into medications, but it was also at this point that I had some terrible reactions, and my body I was told literally started to shut down. I could not eat, I could not sleep, and I was having such terrible panic attacks I was begging my husband to take me to the hospital almost every day. This went on every day, and every day I felt worse, and although I am feeling better now, I will never forget begging god to take me. I didn't pray to get better at night before bed, no, I prayed to not wake up. My life was ruined, I could not be there for everyone, I had to take time off work, I had to discontinue school, and all of this came crashing down so fast. I didn't know what was happening to me. Here I was at the best time of my life, 28 years old, no financial worries, recently married, beautiful house, terrific husband, and my life felt like it was in a snow globe and someone had shaken it, and I had no idea where the pieces were going to land. I cried, and cried, and was disgusted with myself. But for the life of me, I could not find the strength this time, I could not find the strength to help myself. I had so many questions, and so little answers. I felt like I had let everyone down, but what I learned in later months, is that the only person I let down was myself. 

Anxiety is a funny thing. It can hit you when you least expect it which is what happened. I went thru just about every emotion a human can feel, I went from anger, to despair, to hopelessness, and sometimes all in one day.  With thoughts that this would be the end of my life, whether it took me, or I took it myself, it was in these darkest moments, that I never realized at the time, but it was these that would lay the foundation for the changes that I had to make. 

So I title this story 'answered and unanswered prayers' because the months that followed these unbelievable panic attacks, (which were mutliple times a day) and emotions that literally left me holding onto the leg of my husband begging him not to leave me alone on his way out the door to work, to listen and to offer myself to something larger in life, something I never will, and probably never want to understand.  I prayed to god (who I have never believed in before) all day. I had days of lying on the bathroom floor praying to something I never had given much thought to before.This time though, I prayed for him to give me strength, and to give me reason to live. And slowly, so slowly that looking back I could not recgonize it, I started to get better. Maybe getting better is not the right word, but I began to change, and I felt for the first time in our lives there is something larger in control.

 I have come to learn alot about anxiety, although not by choice, lol, but what I have learned is that things happen, and we feel certain ways, sometimes for no logical reason. Our bodies are so complex that we don't always make the connection between stressors and  physical symptoms.

For some reason, I was forced to deal with this at this time in my life, for reasons I will never know, and although it has been hard, and a part of me will always be scarred by what I had to endure, I do not hate myself anymore for it. I know now that it will take me a long time to get better, and that I may never be the same person as I was before this, that is ok, I will become a person that will manage, and cope, and once again be stronger from it. I was forced into a period of reflection, and like any hardship in life, we do the best we can, with what we have, and we get thru it. I put so much effort in getting ahead, and wanting to be at a certain point in my life, and plan absolutely everything, that this was truly a blessing in disguise. It took this to show me that I need to slow down, realize I am not always in control, and that thats ok, and that you don't need to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, because one day, the weight just becomes too much. 

Please wish me luck as I continue on this journey, picking up the pieces that were left scattered, and begin to re-build.  I share this poem with you below. This has always been a favourite of mine, and it had been a long time since I even thought about it before being hit with this disorder. However it came to me in a dream I had, during the most difficult time in my life. Like I said above, I have never  been religous, but I dreamnt one night that a higher power was in front of me, and he asked me "do you remember the poem", and I answered "barely" and he said to me "you know the words, you've known them all this time".

 To those of you who are going thru your own battles with anxiety/panic/ and depression, please know you are not alone, even in those moments when you feel like you are, you're not. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I t hink life shapes us to become who we are, the hardest part is accepting who we have become from those events, and realizing that although we have our weaknesses, we have by far more strengths to counter act them. 

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