It's 11.30pm and I can't sleep, as my mind is ticking over with negative thoughts. I have been crying on and off all day, I feel overwhelmed, run down, and angry.

The inner critic has been yelling in my ear for the past week or so. Maybe because I have been sick with some virus for nearly a month. But all I can think lately is that I am stupid. That people are only pretending to be nice to me. That I am the ugliest person in town. That because I have to ask for help sometimes in my new job, I must surely be useless and dim.

That inner critic had been silent for a long time, I don't know why all of a sudden I hate myself again.

It's just too much. I am still enjoying my job, but there is so much to learn, and of course I am good at beating myself up if I don't  "get it"  first go. I take people's indifference personally, forgetting that they are struggling with their own issues. Duh.

My mother moved out of her apartment today, where she had lived for 10 years. She is very emotional as she is leaving behind memories of times we spent there with my brother. She is moving in with her sister, and is now effectively homeless. That makes me sad.  She keeps reminding me that I am her next of kin contact for certain things, like she is going to drop dead at any time.  I just don't want to deal with any of it.

The committal hearing for the truck driver who killed my brother is over, and a trial will be held, but not for at least 6 months. In 2 weeks, it will be one year, and we are struggling.  My brother spent many months at a time travelling overseas, but he always came back.  Can it really be real, that he is not coming back ever? I cannot comprehend it lately. This should not have happened!!

A family who live a few streets from us lost their son last week, an Aussie soldier serving in Afghanistan. Stupid war.

One of my uncles is battling his secondary lung cancer, another person who never set a foot wrong in his life, just like his wife who died 15 years ago from lymphoma. Why do gentle, quiet, good people get such cruel diseases?

My sister is 47.  Five years ago she overcame breast cancer, a few years after losing her 34 year old husband to a heart attack.  She has now found a lump in her armpit, which will be removed and tested this week.  Surely the cancer is not back?

I'm trying to keep myself in my marriage. I know I will not leave, I have no reason to, except for the fact that I am over it.  I have to check my attitude for the sake of my kids, as they are not liking me being mean to their daddy all the time.  I guess it's taking a lot of energy for me to pretend it's all ok.

My dad is struggling with his health, and I have not spoken to him for 6 weeks as I can't seem to deal with that either. I'm sticking my head in the sand a lot lately, concentrating only on my kids and my job. Everything else is too painful. Too many changes and issues all at once, and my mind cannot cope.

So I'll keep making jokes and pretending to everyone that all is fine, because the last thing I want is for people, especially my mother,  to think I am a basket case again. 

Lightbulb moment - I haven't taken my B6 and Iron supplements the past 2 weeks as I have been taking antibiotics and painkillers. I don't like swallowing too many pills!!  I'm sure that once I get back on them, my mood will pick up! Here's hoping...

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earthmama said:

	... Hang in there scooby! Take care of yourself, and everything else will fall into place.
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July 20, 2008
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kate21 said:

	... It always helps to take things one at a time.
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July 20, 2008
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