This is a bit of a confessional for me as I have never ever revealed all of this to anyone.  This will probably read more like a manifesto then a blog entry so if anyone does read this, I apologize in advance for the length but I think I sort of have to lay all of my cards out on the table so that I can push myself forward. 

Being so wrapped up in my constant worry about my heart health, I never really looked back to my reactions to other things.  I was thinking about this whole thing last night and I hit me, I have always had irrational fears.  As far back as I can remember, I was always having bad dreams where I was fighting for my life. As I watched the neighbor girl turn 16 and start to drive, my mom said only 4 more years and you will be driving to!  I never told her this but when she said that to me, all I could think of was that I wasn't going to live to be that old. So I couldn't possibly see myself driving.  This pattern of thought continued through my teen years, not living long enough to get married, to have a career.  Dying in childbirth, not seeing thirty.  Well I am 31, happily married, running my own business and have a four year old son. 

As I grew into adult hood, I gradually became afraid of things.  Afraid that I would be driving and randomly get shot.  Afraid to wait in the car in a parking lot for fear that I would get carjacked.  Afraid to be alone in the house for fear that someone would break in.  My irrational fears have built up higher and higher.  

I remember one weekend, years ago before we knew what GAD or PD was, I was suffering from a horrible stomach ache..  I couldn't eat.  I curled up on the couch with a bottle of pepto bismol and laid there for an entire weekend.  I was convinced I had stomach cancer. Convinced I was dying.  I googled and looked up  my symptoms and yep I was convinced I had found the cause for my stomach pain and I was a goner.  Well obviously I didn't die and I don't have stomach cancer.  Somehow I was able to erase that obsessive thought out of my head and I never did give it a second thought.

Since having panic attacks, I have , like many others, began to focus on my heart.  I have had blood work and EKGs and Ultra Sounds but I haven't had all of the tests available to me because I don't have insurance.  I always wonder if I had cleared every test there is, if it would calm my fears. I no longer experience panic attacks but I do get regular anxiety symptoms like the racing heart.  I can get a horrendus pain for no reason, in my big toe and I think nothing of it.  But the slightest cramp, twitch, pain or odd sensation in my chest, jaw or left arm and I automatically go into something is wrong with my heart mode.  I wish I could figure out how I was able to let go of the stomach cancer fear and put it into practice with the heart fear.  I think my fear went away with the symptoms.  Since my symptoms seem to be ongoing and changing in my chest area, I can only guess that it is feeding my fear. 

Now of course I am sick with a cold and am experiencing all of the normal aches and pains.  Every chest and back pain is a source of more fear and worry.

In January, I quit taking my Lexapro.  I was on it for nearly two years.  Many of the symptoms I had before I was on it never came back but I hated the thought of taking something every day and I missed the highs and lows that came with life.  With the Lexapro it was all so even keeled.  I couldn't be happy, I couldn't be sad, I couldn't get angry.  I felt like a robot, like nothing mattered and that bothered me.  I do wonder if I made a mistake when I stopped taking them.   

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Honeyface said:

... Irouse - Only you can answer the question of whether or not to take or not take medication. I for one, feel if you can get by without taking something "not natural" than do it. I could never take any SSRI's as they made my anxiety worse. I totally understand your feelings, as I too (obviously) suffer from the constant anxiety. Some days it's not so bad, some days it's bad, some days it's worse. But it is ALWAYS there. I think it's great you laid everything out there. I think it helps to see it on "paper" to get a better perspective, rather than to keep it bottled up in your head and have it create something worse. The only thing I can think of at this point is that you are only 31 years old, you've had an EKG and an ultra sound and both came back negative, so the chances of you having anything wrong with your heart is pretty slim. I know you can be told a hundred times that you are ok, but something in our brains don't or can't believe it. Maybe trying to distract that very active imagination of yours would help. You said you own your own business and have a 4 year old at home - that's got to keep you busy. I think so much of the time we tend to think too much within our own minds that we need to get out of "me" and get into something else.

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June 16, 2008
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Honeyface said:

... Irouse - Only you can answer the question of whether or not to take or not take medication. I for one, feel if you can get by without taking something "not natural" than do it. I could never take any SSRI's as they made my anxiety worse. I totally understand your feelings, as I too (obviously) suffer from the constant anxiety. Some days it's not so bad, some days it's bad, some days it's worse. But it is ALWAYS there. I think it's great you laid everything out there. I think it helps to see it on "paper" to get a better perspective, rather than to keep it bottled up in your head and have it create something worse. The only thing I can think of at this point is that you are only 31 years old, you've had an EKG and an ultra sound and both came back negative, so the chances of you having anything wrong with your heart is pretty slim. I know you can be told a hundred times that you are ok, but something in our brains don't or can't believe it. Maybe trying to distract that very active imagination of yours would help. You said you own your own business and have a 4 year old at home - that's got to keep you busy. I think so much of the time we tend to think too much within our own minds that we need to get out of "me" and get into something else.

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June 16, 2008
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ceejay said:

... lrouse - you and I sound so much alike!! And I'd like to say (coming from a 49 year old) that you're going through very normal stuff and that it DOES get better! When I was about your age I began a wonderful inner journey. It started with reading "The Power of Myth" by Bill Moyers and took me from there into a wonderful world: Jungian psychology, dreams and metaphor, individuation and an understanding of these images of fear and invasion that had plagued me all my life. Some of the highlights book-wise: Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Inner Journey by Robert Johnson, Wounded Woman by Linda Leonard. I have hundreds of books and would be delighted to share them with you! We can exchange addresses adn I"ll pack them up and send them to you (I sent a bunch to scooby and she read them!). What I'm saying is that, for me, once I began to understand that there are legitimate and important messages in these images, and I learned how to deal with them they were no longer scary. During this time I was also in therapy, I was on Effexor for 3 1/2 years, I had and still have a scrip for Xanax, and I had tests physically to make sure I was okay. But at the end of the day I believe that the panic and Anxiety were calls to an inner journey that was necessary for me to make so that my life could and would be as full as possible!! I no longer regret the Panic and Anxiety, and I love what I have learned. As you know, I too have the "heart stuff." I have come to realize that there are lots of ways that the heart can hurt - not just physical. I have learned how to grieve my losses, to understand the pains I feel and to honor a lot of that "heart stuff" as spiritually related. It helps a lot!! Let me know if you'd like a box of books for the summer! SOunds like you'll need to be indoors anyway what with that weather forecast!! Hugs and love!

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June 18, 2008
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ceejay said:

... lrouse - you and I sound so much alike!! And I'd like to say (coming from a 49 year old) that you're going through very normal stuff and that it DOES get better! When I was about your age I began a wonderful inner journey. It started with reading "The Power of Myth" by Bill Moyers and took me from there into a wonderful world: Jungian psychology, dreams and metaphor, individuation and an understanding of these images of fear and invasion that had plagued me all my life. Some of the highlights book-wise: Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Inner Journey by Robert Johnson, Wounded Woman by Linda Leonard. I have hundreds of books and would be delighted to share them with you! We can exchange addresses adn I"ll pack them up and send them to you (I sent a bunch to scooby and she read them!). What I'm saying is that, for me, once I began to understand that there are legitimate and important messages in these images, and I learned how to deal with them they were no longer scary. During this time I was also in therapy, I was on Effexor for 3 1/2 years, I had and still have a scrip for Xanax, and I had tests physically to make sure I was okay. But at the end of the day I believe that the panic and Anxiety were calls to an inner journey that was necessary for me to make so that my life could and would be as full as possible!! I no longer regret the Panic and Anxiety, and I love what I have learned. As you know, I too have the "heart stuff." I have come to realize that there are lots of ways that the heart can hurt - not just physical. I have learned how to grieve my losses, to understand the pains I feel and to honor a lot of that "heart stuff" as spiritually related. It helps a lot!! Let me know if you'd like a box of books for the summer! SOunds like you'll need to be indoors anyway what with that weather forecast!! Hugs and love!

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June 18, 2008
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ceejay said:

	... You can email me at: This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it . I got a new laptop and a new email address.
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June 18, 2008
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ceejay said:

	... You can email me at: This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it . I got a new laptop and a new email address.
	report abuse vote down vote up

June 18, 2008
Votes: +0