I am back from visiting family in PA.  It was a good visit.  The toughest part was seeing my grandmother.  She is 78 and seems so frail.  It is tough for me to see her like this......I spent every Saturday night and Sunday church with my grandmother for most of my growing up years.  Since my mom lived out of state, my grandmother was one of the mother figures in my life.  It is sad and scary to think of her dying.  I feel like when I move there I should spend time with her but it scares me at the same time.......so much to cope with.....especially after my friends death.  WHile I was walking the other day I was thinking about it along with many other things and started crying.........luckily I had sunglasses on...lol. But I know it was good to actually feel the feelings......too often I don't make the time to indulge in thinking about emotionally tough things and feeling the feelings.  I like to push them aside.

 So I'm back...... but my mom and daughter stayed there for an extra two weeks.  My mom did not want to return to deal with the stand off she is having with my husband...and my aunt wanted her to stay to go on vacation to New Jersey-Ocean CIty.  They rented a house at the beach for a week. So it was a tough decision to leave my daughter there and be away from her for so long...but I felt it was best.  It was so sweet and sad when I said goodbye to her. She wanted me to count while she blew me ten kisses.  I had to wak away so she wouldn't see me crying.

So with my free time, I am walking everyday, getting some laser hair removal done, going through my closets, and hopefully finishing Ashley's 3rd year video.  I also some time to make a real decision about moving to PA and separating or divorcing from my husband.  It has been tough talking about the possibility seriously.  I know that I am not happy living in this situation, but it is so scary to think of changing my life completely.  Will I be happy with the changes.  It's so easy with the status quo...even if I don't like it.  Here I am set with my job and liking my schedule and the money I am making......the unknown is a little frightening.  I feel sad for my husband and how upset he is over the real possibility of a divorce.  I also feel bad about taking Ashley from him.......I know how I felt when I was separated from her for this time.  I can't imagine seeing her only a few times a year.  So that really complicates things for me.  I know she will have a happier life if we move...she has thrived being around so many family members in PA.  It still is hard. I just keep taking it step by step and hopefully it will all work out the way is should.  lamy

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ceejay said:

... Step by step, day by day! One day at a time. When it's time to make a decision you'll make it. And there will be others in front of you. And then eventually their time will come. Try not to get ahead of yourself. I PM'd you before I read this - so disregard my question about your visiting PA? LOL! Being away from the kids is hard, but it's actually good for them. They begin to get a realistic idea that you can be separate and they are strong and CAN survive, Try to stay in the moment about your Grandmother too. You may want to take some time to write her about all those great memories you have of your early life with her. Be real specific, like you're telling her a story. I bet she'd love getting that in the mail from you. And it would make a great keepsake for Ashely one day too. Hugs and love!!

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June 14, 2008
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