Hello everyone! So it has been quite a while since I have been on this site. I have been extremely busy and have had quite a lot going on. Some of you may have read previous blogs/threads but my boyfriend of 3 and almost 1/2 years is officially moved down to Washington D.C. (about 5-7 hrs away from me). He is starting his career and is very important and already quite successful. I am very proud of him but am dealing with problems. Around the end of april, beginning of May, my anxiety has been off the charts. I had gotten so far in my well being and anxiety was truly down to a low minimum (panic attacks included) but now I feel like I am going downhill and I am feeling a lil helpless and hopeless. I have been quite depressed and just full of feelings of anxiety and physical symptoms of anxiety and panic every day. I know that my bf leaving has to deal with it but other stuff I dont' understand. I was doing much better at driving and now, I am back downhill and almost worse than ever with driving. I think my phobia of only bridges is escalating to high ways in total. Even just back roads sometimes I feel the panic coming on. I know you all understand me when I say that wow, it is the scariest feelings EVER. I find that i just really and truly hate life. I really don't even understand it. I know there are happy things, but all I am allowing myself to see are the negatives and I almost feel like things are out to get me. Everything I say I don't want to happen, happens. (ex: driving, i don't want to hit traffic on the bridge, what happens, TRAFFIC ON THE BRIDGE! HAH!) Anyway, I know this is just coincidence but it's when i'm most panicked that everything I dont' want to happen, happens...

Also, me and my boyfriend already almost broke up over a big fight and his crazy emotions going sky rocket. (he has serious commitment issues) But this time he told me stuff that hurt me so badly that I didn't know he felt so deeply about. He has told me that he thinks i have dependency problems on him, which I don't understand. I know that i have dependency problems in my life, but I don't really feel much is on him at all. I'm sure a little but not to how he describes it. Also he has told me how much my panic has frustrated him and that it has affected us. It is a flaw that he hates and he wishes that he could understand it, but he can't. He has been very supportive and has been dealing with my ups and downs for over 2 years now. But he says that he is sick of catering to my panic and having to worry about me and how un-independent that I am. It really hurts my feelings and at the time got extremely defensive. I felt like he was attacking me, and when it comes to my panic I just feel helpless. I try everything I possibly can to get better and some days i'm great, but others I'm not. I hate living with this and think it is one of the worst disorders one has to live with. I'm just so frustrated and so scared all the time. I'm so sick of being scared and my panic over-ruling me. I have gotten it in its place before many times but it always finds its way to scare the living crud out of me and let me know its around and it can come back full force.

 Anyways, i'm feeling ridiculously helpless and been depressed for a while. My psychiatrist wants to put me on prozac and has been trying to for over a year. I'm scared, I don't want to go on it at all, but am wondering if it could help me. I'm on xanax which has helped a lot, but I'm just not a "drug" person. I hate even having to take my xanax. Some people get "high" off of such drugs like this, but for me (this is scary), I feel "high" if I don't take my meds. I guess it is because I need them, but I really feel completely off balance if I dont' take them.

Round of applause if anyone made it this far, its a bunch of mumbo jumbo, but I know on here is the only place anyone understands. I HATE HAVING THIS DISORDER  It's getting to me so badly...before the onset of this panic disorder, I used to have the life. I was so happy. I was the opposite of what this disorder has turned me into. i miss me.

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maddie said:

... Awww babe, huge hugs and love. Welcome back. I am so sorry about your fight with Lee. I know you've had lots of other things going on as well. No wonder you feel low. I think my phobia of only bridges is escalating. All I am allowing myself to see are the negatives Rip there is a brilliant book by Dr Rick Norris called "The Promised Land". It's about positive thinking. Very easy to read & full of case studies. I think it could really help you right now. There's a chapter 'Thinking makes it so' and one 'The habit of happiness' They could help you overcome many of your feelings at the moment. You will get 'you' back. You will be happy again. Don't despair. Keep going. There's a good life for you out there. pm or msn anytime. Much love Maddie xxx

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June 11, 2008
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ceejay said:

... Hugs and welcome back to PS! We're always here for you -- and getting out there in your life, and dealing with stuff is good!! But, when you need a hit of love, sanity and understanding - we're here!! :) You may want to try to reframe the whole "should I take the drugs?" issue into something more like "Can I trust my doc?" If you can trust him/her, then follow the advice. Know that this trained person, who has experience and education and who really knows you is looking out for you. Focus on making a choice like that. Allow yourself to be helped. If we live life thinking WE, our own selves, have to know everything, make all the decisions, and can only make RIGHT decisions, then we are going to paralyze ourselves with fear and self-doubt. If we can build strong connections with trusted people, on whom we can rely and to whom we can turn over some of the burden, then we can build a foundation of community and recovery. I had to take Effexor. I hated that before I actually agreed to it. But I simply HAD to deal with the symptoms of depression before I could del with the effects of Panic and Anxiety. I haven't taken it in years -- but I did have to, and I took it for 3 1/2 years. DUring that time I made HUGE strides and my life is ever so much better because I did do it. But I couldn't have done anything without working on the trust and relationship with my doctors. Good luck to you, you are not alone!

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June 11, 2008
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lrouse said:

... Hey Rip, It has been a while! I am so sorry to hear about your bf. Long distance relationships are hard enough without having had HIM point out the things that you feel so vulnerable about before he left. I would let your psychiatrist go ahead and give you the drugs again, there is no shame in excepting some help every once in a while. I would however question his choice of Prozac. Why Prozac? There are other, newer, types of anti depressants that treat anxiety. I am not saying it is a bad choice... I would just be curious to know why he would choose the old drug over the new ones. All my best, Linda

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June 16, 2008
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