Need to vent again. Not anxious, not depressed. But.

How come when some things go really really right, other things fall apart? God forbid we be happy for too long, hey?  Workwise, the last 2 weeks have been fantastic. Started at my new place of work last week, and immediately felt comfortable and happy with the staff. Lots of laughs, a very easy going manager, five minutes from home, finish around 3pm - could it be any more perfect? Even if it is a bank LOL. Spent the last week commuting by train for one hour there and back every day to the city for training, which was fine as I was travelling with another new lady I'll be working with, and we had heaps of fun.  It's totally amazing to me how confident I can be sometimes. It's great to be able to speak up in class, make people laugh, sit with 10 people at lunch and enjoy it, and know that I can pass a course with a score of 99%. I really am capable. Who knew. Once that pesky self doubt disappears, life can be bliss.

But - I won't go into things, but issues with my mother are making me ANGRY and frustrated and furious and extremely upset.  She has told people she is moving to another state, (my home state) as she has been offered free rent there. So, my kids will lose their nana, and the only real family they have here, so she can have free rent. I had already told her she could move in with us, but it seems she has come up with this decision and has told my siblings not to tell me!! So, I am at the point where I just want to never speak to her again as I am sick of her self made dramas and ongoing POOR ME tactics.  She wants to escape my brother's death. We all do. But the little mean voice inside me says that now that he is not here, there is no reason for her to stay. Not me, not my kids, not my brother's wife. That hurts.

Besides that, I am trying SO hard to be a decent partner to my husband. But I can only seem to be pleasant for 24 hours then the annoyance sets in bad again. He does nothing "wrong" but as I speak he is sitting on the couch eating, and is getting more obese by the minute, then he starts snoring, then wakes up and eats some more. When out shopping, he ends up five minutes behind me as he can't keep up.  95% of his time off work is spent on the goddamn couch and I cannot stand it anymore. He has nothing of any interest to say, last week we actually went out for dinner for our anniversary and one hour later we were home and I went to bed. Alone. 18 months since we have shared a room.

Do I really have to keep on like this to keep my family together? I can't just ask him for a break, that would hurt him AND our kids. I can't leave, we have no money to keep separate homes. I don't hate him, I can't stand to look at him, I can't talk to him as my voice gets stuck with anger and frustration. He can't do anything right, and I am desperately unhappy.

To make matters worse, a couple of weeks ago I ran into a guy I worked with 15 years ago.  For the half hour we talked I couldn't breathe, and still can't. He is successful and ambitious and yet still the laid back lovely guy I used to know. He was so happy to see me, and I am hoping that we will actually catch up. Wrong? Maybe. But I can't explain how connected to him I felt straight away. Like sometimes life throws you together for a reason.

I have a lot to discuss with the psychologist next week. Maybe I should make a double appointment LOL. I'm just really really confused about what I need to do.

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earthmama said:

... Oh scooby! Hang in there. Let us know how your session goes...sounds like you have a lot to talk about. Your whole family has had to deal with a terrible tragedy, and as frustrating as it is, everyone grieves differently. Maybe your mom can't handle being around constant reminders of your brother - of being the one whose son died. Maybe your husband is depressed. Maybe this old friend reminds you of old times, when things were simpler. Great news about the job! I am proud of you for showing your confident side!

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June 07, 2008
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maddie said:

... Scooby I am so pleased that the job is going well for you. Sounds like you are really enjoying it. You should be very proud of yourself. I also hope that your new found strength on the work front will help you survive the rest of your problems. I agree with earthmama that, hard as it is for you, maybe it is just too hard for your Mum to be there right now. Possibly she cannot cope with constant reminders of your brother. That doesn't mean that she loves you less, just that she needs time to come to terms with his loss in her own way. I won't presume to comment on your marriage. Simply a cautionary word that a lot of things have happened in the last 15 years. Neither you nor your ex-colleague are the people who once knew each other. Tread slowly. Good luck with your psychologist! Perhaps write down what you feel you need to talk about. I find that helps me keep it all in order and clarifies things. :? Hugs Maddie xxx

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June 07, 2008
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scooby said:

	... Thanks guys. Earthmama, I feel bad that all I can do is whine about my marriage when you just want your husband home. :roll maddie, I guess it's just nice to have a stimulating conversation with a guy who looks at you like you're the only one in the world. sigh. I ignored him 15 years ago as I was too busy pursuing my husband LOL. How things change! XX
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June 07, 2008
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ceejay said:

... Hi Scooby - life is fantastic, isn't it? Always something interesting, something supportive and something that sucks! :) I guess that's what keeps us all going. Who knows how you'll work this thing out with your husband, but work it out you will. Because that is how life is!! We do what we do, and we muddle through. What is really terrific is that you keep putting yourself out there - in life, in the blogs, in friendships, in your family. And that is a real testament to how much you value yourself and your place in the world. Hugs and love to you!!!

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June 08, 2008
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lamy12 said:

	... Hi Sccoby~I know we're secretly twins separated at birth...lol. Your blogs sound exactly how I am feeling, Life's funny huh? Just keep doing what you're doing and eventually you will know what to do. Take care of you and sooner or later you will KNOW. That's how it has been for me. I always think of you and hope you are doing well. Hugs, lamy
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