Hello,

  This is my first ever blog so bare with me. My name is not important as can be said about me. So why bother even going down this road? I don't know, and I do. Truth is I cannot find a way to change this life I am floating in the shadows of. Guess so far from the few sentences you can tell there is a strong depression bubbling over. This is indeed the truth. Yet let me try to name a few past facts and let you judge for yourself if this is only a pity party or something more.

   Childhood, age 9, altered and forever destroyed any life for the future. In my 20's, I became a monster that destroyed every part of my life and anyone I came in contact with. In my 30's, self created realities of my parents and siblings that I had placed upon the highest alter turned out to be all but a fantasy. Family selfishness and drama and greed was the family I discovered I was born into as they discovered the monster they created and never fixed. Now into my 40's, married over two decades, uncontrolled high blood pressure, panic attacks, overweight, migraines, legs and feet the size of tree trunks due to edema, trouble breathing and constant depression. I encourage my wife constantly to go out and live life for the both of us because I do not want to see people. Do not want to see the life they have. Hear the conversations they have. Do not want to see them smile or hear the laughter. My four walls in my den is my world, and I would gladly trade them in for four padded walls with no door. I tell this to my wife, constantly. She has heard over and over that I want no more, no more. She just says I don't want to hear it and tries her best to go on with her day, as she should. What she really should do is run, but she says she loves me, and I love her,  shouldn't that be enough, guess not. You can say it, what a jerk.

  Now I have been to the hospital, alot. I only go when I cannot take some pain any longer. Like 3 years ago, kidney stones and yellow jaundice and liver toxicity, oh yea, all at the same time. Last year on Thanksgiving Day, had my appendix cut out. With several upon several visits for the uncontrolled high blood pressure ranging 200-230/100-140. To say why don't you just go back to the hospital to me is senseless. As I walk around my den with a cane and tree trunk legs with a frozen cloth to my head and meds galore all day long. What else can be done. Easy answer, one my doctor told me and I quote "I am wasting your time and mine, there is nothing more I can do." Then he led me off to the emergency room who the on staff doctor asked me kindly if I had a primary care doctor who should be treating me. I laughed while my blood pressure dinged a warning sound for being over 200. By the way, has the label "pity party" slipped off me or is it still there? Am I asking for help? yes and no. Stupid answer I know. I am ashamed of the answer, of my condition, of my past, of my life, of the lack of any future whatsoever. My hands and arms are shaking, I breath in cold air that sits heavy in my lungs making breath hard to take. I welcome any possibility of what it may mean.

  So lastly, once again the question is why write this blog? Will any response make any difference at all? Shed any light for a future unseen? Grant forgiveness for a wasted life that continues on when those of you who have loved and worthy family members who have passed away young in life? Yes and no. This is a blog from the mind of one who is depressed and panicked. One who has left the party decades ago yet has not found the door. A hermit who is lost and forever unforgiven. 

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maddie said:

... There are so many positives to your blog. Firstly that you have reached out and come to join us on this site . Welcome :) You know the root causes of your problems and have faced them. You have not given in to the worst feelings at your lowest ebb. You are still questioning and seeking answers. You have a loving and supportive wife. Have you seen a psychiatrist ot therapist? Depression is hard to over come, but it can be done. There is plenty of information on here to help you. With the right support you can make it through. You are a survivor :)

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June 05, 2008
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maddie said:

... There are so many positives to your blog. Firstly that you have reached out and come to join us on this site . Welcome :) You know the root causes of your problems and have faced them. You have not given in to the worst feelings at your lowest ebb. You are still questioning and seeking answers. You have a loving and supportive wife. Have you seen a psychiatrist ot therapist? Depression is hard to over come, but it can be done. There is plenty of information on here to help you. With the right support you can make it through. You are a survivor :)

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June 05, 2008
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maddie said:

... There are so many positives to your blog. Firstly that you have reached out and come to join us on this site . Welcome :) You know the root causes of your problems and have faced them. You have not given in to the worst feelings at your lowest ebb. You are still questioning and seeking answers. You have a loving and supportive wife. Have you seen a psychiatrist ot therapist? Depression is hard to over come, but it can be done. There is plenty of information on here to help you. With the right support you can make it through. You are a survivor :)

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June 05, 2008
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maddie said:

... There are so many positives to your blog. Firstly that you have reached out and come to join us on this site . Welcome :) You know the root causes of your problems and have faced them. You have not given in to the worst feelings at your lowest ebb. You are still questioning and seeking answers. You have a loving and supportive wife. Have you seen a psychiatrist ot therapist? Depression is hard to over come, but it can be done. There is plenty of information on here to help you. With the right support you can make it through. You are a survivor :)

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June 05, 2008
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ChristineMarie said:

	... It sounds to me you overcame alot of struggles that occured in your life. In my opinion with doctors I feel that people who understand how you feel and have gone through some of the same things you have help you more then doctors. I hope you feel better.
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June 05, 2008
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ChristineMarie said:

	... It sounds to me you overcame alot of struggles that occured in your life. In my opinion with doctors I feel that people who understand how you feel and have gone through some of the same things you have help you more then doctors. I hope you feel better.
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June 05, 2008
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Angel Tom said:

	... Hermit,welcome! You are not alone. That is why this great website exist. Because of you, of me, of everyone who shares the same experience... One way or another. If you are bored or depress, I encourage you to visit this site; read and explore. And you will find it very informative and at the same time challenging. Have a nice day.
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June 08, 2008
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Angel Tom said:

	... Hermit,welcome! You are not alone. That is why this great website exist. Because of you, of me, of everyone who shares the same experience... One way or another. If you are bored or depress, I encourage you to visit this site; read and explore. And you will find it very informative and at the same time challenging. Have a nice day.
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June 08, 2008
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