It’s funny. When I feel good I have nothing to say. But when I don’t feel good I can tell you my life story. Guess how I feel now? Got a minute?

Well I am at work and all of a sudden I get this weird “hot” feeling in my right eye and side of my face. It sort of just washed over me. I have had a sinus headache for about a week now. It is probley related to that. Who knows. A normal person, which I am not, would have thought nothing of it. But now I feel panicked about it. I feel like my mind has a mind of its own. Now I feel all hot not just the side of my face. I keep feeling my forehead, for what I don’t know. Maybe I have a sudden fever. I doubt it. What the hell is wrong with me?  I feel like a broken record. I keep complaining about the same stuff over and over. I find myself complaining about complaining. I can’t stop. I need to step back and just listen to myself and how out of it I sound.

Things I should be excited about just turn into worry. I have planned a trip to Las Vegas to visit my brother. He said I could stay at his house and now that my boyfriend is coming too he has changed his mind. He said he doesn’t feel comfortable because he doesn’t know him. I respect that. My brother is a lot like me and I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. But now I have to get a hotel room for 6 nights. Hotels in Vegas are not cheap. Now I have added on an extra $600 on to my trip that I hadn’t planned on. My boyfriend is, well, let’s just say, in-between jobs at the moment. If he doesn’t get a job by then I will be stuck with the bill for the hotel. Had I known all of this I would have made other plans with a plane and hotel package or something. But I thought we could stay with my brother. O well. I can’t be mad about it. I jumped the gun and bought the tickets and asked questions after. Not to mention I am freaking terrified about the airplane. But I will leave the airplane rant for another time. I want to be excited, I mean its Vegas baby!!! But fear, worry and sadness make my vision blurry. I am unable to see the joy in anything anymore.

Sorry to all of you that sat through all that just now. But I do feel a little better. I want to be happy. That’s all I want.

TrackBack URI for this entry

Comments (2)

Subscribe to this comment's feed

maddie said:

... Oh dear you are feeling down! I can understand how you feel about the money for the hotel bill. As you say, you can't be mad about it and I hope you won't let it spoil your trip. It's just a little less to lose on the gaming machines! :grin I am unable to see the joy in anything anymore. Two things I find that help me when I'm in the doldrums: 1. Buy some flowers for home and/or your desk at work. 2. Very last thing before going to sleep, think of 5 good things about the day that's ending. eg. the sun shone, work went well, dinner didn't burn, boyfriend made you laugh, you got through it. This helps me realise that the day wasn't all bad and going to sleep with positive thoughts seems to make me wake in a brighter mood too. Happiness can be elusive. Maybe you need to define what you mean by happy so you can figure ways to get there? I am sure you will make it. Hugs.

report abuse vote down vote up

May 29, 2008
Votes: +0

maddie said:

... Oh dear you are feeling down! I can understand how you feel about the money for the hotel bill. As you say, you can't be mad about it and I hope you won't let it spoil your trip. It's just a little less to lose on the gaming machines! :grin I am unable to see the joy in anything anymore. Two things I find that help me when I'm in the doldrums: 1. Buy some flowers for home and/or your desk at work. 2. Very last thing before going to sleep, think of 5 good things about the day that's ending. eg. the sun shone, work went well, dinner didn't burn, boyfriend made you laugh, you got through it. This helps me realise that the day wasn't all bad and going to sleep with positive thoughts seems to make me wake in a brighter mood too. Happiness can be elusive. Maybe you need to define what you mean by happy so you can figure ways to get there? I am sure you will make it. Hugs.

report abuse vote down vote up

May 29, 2008
Votes: +0