My husband and I have started talking about the reality of splitting up.  He said he would probably not move back east with me, as we had previously planned, even if things were going better in our relationship.  He said that due to his bipolar disorder, he feels he cannot uproot himself(find a job, get medical insureance) and go through all of that stress, when there is no guarantee things would ever work out for us. 

I have felt for so many years that I could never recover from the things that happened over the past years as a result of his b.d.  I have struggled with the choice of moving back east and living by all of my family or staying here and being depressed about not living near them, in order to keep my daughter living close to her dad.  So here we are, at that point.  He is starting to make tentative plans for my eventual move.......and I am kind of feeling uncertain.  I don't believe I can ever be in an intimate relationship wth him again.  I know I want to move.  I know that living the life I have been living has been horribley.  But I am so used to the status quo.  I have been struggling with some anxiety and been feeling really irritable at times.  This is the biggest decision of my life.  I thought it would be easier somehow........ it's not. lamy

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scooby said:

... lamy I am so sorry that things aren't getting any better. But maybe it's going to be for the best, especially if neither of you are on the same page when it comes to your future. If it happens that you and your daughter go to your family, your husband and she will survive and will still be father and daughter. Remember what Dr Phil said - better to be from a broken home than live in one. You can make the decision quick, like ripping off a bandaid, and just go, or you can keep waiting each day for a magic answer while still deliberating. Whichever way you do it, things WILL turn out ok in the end. I am sure you WILL find happiness! PM me anytime.

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May 14, 2008
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ceejay said:

... dear lamy, Over the last year I've been reading and watching as you struggled to keep the focus of your life on YOU and not on others. I know that is a hard thing to do, but it is ultimately the practice that gives us so much strength. When you were focused on your husband, and all the things that were wrong there seemed to be a real urgency to figuring it out, making a stand, making a change. But as you began focusing on you, and what you could do to give yourself the life you want and need -- you have been able to live in this difficult situation with grace and strength. You have provided a loving home for your daughter as well as your husband and your mother. You have allowed yourself the time to sit with the feelings and the confusion, not having to figure EVERYTHING out, but seeing what you could do in any given day that will make your life a little happier, a little more full. And now here you are. Facing a reality that yes, you saw coming a long time ago. But without forcing it or managing it you have allowed it to come to its natural place and you and your husband will probably be able to do this separation without all the trauma and drama it may have created even just a year ago. You have gained a lot of confidence in your ability to deal with things that are difficult and unknown. You have come to KNOW that you are a wonderful mother. And, you have come to trust in the nature of the Universe - that there is a way for things to work out. Maybe not with NO pain, but with less pain. Of course you and he will be sad, but sadness isn't fatal. And each of you will be doing what is best for each of you. And THAT is ultimately what is best for your daughter. You are a real inspiration and a true friend! I hope you keep us with you on your journey! Much love, Cindy

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May 15, 2008
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lamy12 said:

... Dear Cindy and Sonya~Thank you so so much for your kindness and support through all of this. I am sitting here crying as I read your posts..... I appreciate your words more that you can ever know. I have learned so much from both of you and others here at PS and feel that it has helped me through this journey called life. I have gained so much insight and learned so much about myself and I am grateful. This next year will be challenging. I know I will have ups and downs but I know in the end I will be getting closer to the peace that I am looking for. lamy

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May 16, 2008
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scooby said:

	... I think it's easier when you know and accept that the near future will/may be difficult, but always keep looking past that to when the hard time is over. AND remember that we are thinking of you while you go through it all. HUGS
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May 16, 2008
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