This past week has been difficult.  I am doing so many things right (taking time for myself, doing fun things, etc.) but I am struggling to keep my anger and resentments from consuming me.  This stress has caused me to have some anxiety of course.  I am just so angry at times.  I feel alone at home and feel like others do not care and are selfinsh. They take care of their needs and let me do all of the chores at home without blinking an eye.  It would be easier if no one was there so I would just know I have to do the chores and not feel this all consuming rage when they are napping or going here or there.

I get so mad because I do not want to have these feelings.  I want to be happy and enjoy life and of course it should be up to me to make that happen, but somehow I just fall short.  I was reading the post about things people are grateful for and it was a reminder to be grateful.  I know this and I am mad at myself for feeling this way.  And reading ceejays post- I no longer "live for the day when _____ happens so I'll be happy" -- I am able to be happy right now.  I WANT TO BE THERE!  I feel like I live like that...waiting for the day that I will be happy.  It's so lame.

I was doing alot of thinking the other night and realized that my friend's death has left such a huge void in my life.  I am the kind of person that does not open up to alot of people.  He was one of those people that I did open up to.......I could talk over all the petty little things that happen in life with him and put  those things in perspective.  He could see through most of the defense mechanisms that I used and ask the questions that I needed to hear about my life.  And he was able to give me some perspective as he was older and wiser......and been through things and learned.  I miss him alot and I can't believe he is gone.

Well that's the end of the poor me post.  I do have alot to be grateful for.  I have a beautiful 3-year old daughter.  I have everything that I need and am able to do many fun things.  I will be going to visit family in PA at the end of the month and I am taking a 3 day trip to Mount Rushmore in two weeks.  I guess venting about it all makes it easier to deal with......lamy

TrackBack URI for this entry

Comments (2)

Subscribe to this comment's feed

maddie said:

... Vent away! I understand how totally consuming anger can be and how much energy you need to keep it in check. I wish I knew how to let it go, but it's the one thing no-one seems able to tell me either. Rationalising it doesn't help. What annoys you probably wouldn't annoy me. It's all in our own personal perception. I am not a nagger and repeatedly asking for help around the house just makes me more frustrated and annoyed. One thing that seems to make my family understand and appreciate more is a chalk board I have in the kitchen. On it I can write "today I have done ......." or "I am not going to do this........" "I need help with......." Even if they ignore it, I feel better putting it out on view! I'm sorry you miss your friend so badly. I hope that you enjoy yor trips and come back feeling more heartened.

report abuse vote down vote up

May 02, 2008
Votes: +0

ceejay said:

... Dearest lamy - It's not a "poor me" post -- it is a woman struggling to lift a combination blanket of Anxiety, Panic, Confusion, some fear, maybe some depression? You're able to talk about your feelings and I think you are making great progress in supporting yourself by seeing some of your great strengths. You miss you friend. That is grief. It is a very heavy burden to carry. Especially when we think that we have to carry it alone, or that we shouldn't be feeling that way! It is sad to lose someone you love. And if they were the one you depended on for being seen and being heard then it is even harder. I know that as you keep writing, keep expressing yourself and keep living - you will be able to reach out to others, to share your life, make new friends and find that portal into the peace you seek! I know you will!! I KNOW it! Keep writing, posting, journaling, drawing, filming your daughter and doing all those things that are good for you! THey add up - and then one day you FEEL it. Hugs my friend - Cindy

report abuse vote down vote up

May 06, 2008
Votes: +0