After leaving for three days, my fiancee finally came back home yesterday. He wants to give it another chance. He said that he left because he could see that I was not doing anything to help make my panic disorder better and I thought that I might be more driven to do it on my own if he were gone for a while. He went to stay with friends. And me, I basically lost it! I became extremely depressed and started going dowhill very rapidly. So, yesterday he came home. He said that he loves me and he wants to support me in getting better. He wants to be here for me, but he also needs to see me trying to get better. I am so happy that he has come back! I love this man more than words can say and I was devastated when I thought that I had lost him.

But he is right, I have done very little to try and get control over my panic disorder. I have read about how yoga, meditation, CBT and other things can be very effective and yet I have not tried even one of these things! Almost losing him has made me come to realize that if I am going to get better, I need to take the intiative to do so. So, this week I am going to begin to get my life together and start putting some effort into controlling my panic attacks!

I have been sitting here mourning the loss of my relationships with my family and have ignored the relationship that means everything to me. I have been pushing my fiancee away without even realizing it! I tried speaking with my family again this weekend and they made it clear that they don't want to speak with me. In fact, when I finally called my sister to apologize again...we got into an arguement and she told me never to call her again. Really, at this point, I am through trying to patch things up with her. She said some very cruel things and it seems as though there is no real relationship to salvage. It is clear to me now that my family was never as close as I believed and I am finally accepting that.

But I am lucky. I have a man that loves me and is standing by me.:) He believes in me and I am going to work on getting myself to a better place so that we can have a wonderful and happy life together.:) When he left, I realized that losing him would be losing the most important person in my life. And I am going to start showing how much I appreciate and love him. I am going to stop focusing on trying to win back my family. Either they will come around in time, or they will not.

I have learned alot about coping strategies from this site and I intend to begin to use them. I have a good life and I was allowing it to fall to pieces. I feel as though I am back on track now and I am going to do whatever it takes to be an active participant in my coping with my panis disorder. My family does not believe that I have panic disorder regardless of the fact that I have been diagnosed by three psychiatrists. There is nothing that I can do to make them believe it and I am done wasting my time trying.

I have the only person that I need with me now. I have the man that I love back. I am going to focus on getting better now and strengthing our relationship. My family is not supportive of what I am going through and I am finally realizing that no matter what, they will probably never be. Focusing on trying to repair those relationships has been dragging me down. I need to let it go and focus on the right things.

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ceejay said:

... Dear Rachel - I'm glad that you're not going through a break up and that you feel hopeful about your future again. That will serve you well as you go forward. DO try to get some help. You cannot do this alone. DO find a doctor you can trust, and take it just a few steps at a time. FOLLOW the doctor's advice. Don't try to "improve" upon the suggestions. Of course, communicate but do what the doc says. DO take care of yourself. Eat right. Exercise. Use yoga, meditation and relaxation CDs. DO learn positive affirmations. DO believe you can get better. and DO something positive every day! Good luck - I know you can make it! Cindy

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April 27, 2008
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ceejay said:

... Dear Rachel - I'm glad that you're not going through a break up and that you feel hopeful about your future again. That will serve you well as you go forward. DO try to get some help. You cannot do this alone. DO find a doctor you can trust, and take it just a few steps at a time. FOLLOW the doctor's advice. Don't try to "improve" upon the suggestions. Of course, communicate but do what the doc says. DO take care of yourself. Eat right. Exercise. Use yoga, meditation and relaxation CDs. DO learn positive affirmations. DO believe you can get better. and DO something positive every day! Good luck - I know you can make it! Cindy

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April 27, 2008
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