Well, it seems as though I am on a roll of losing the people that I love lately! My fiancee of one week is now my ex fiancee. :( We had an aurgment last night that ended in my giving him the ring back and him packing his things and leaving to stay in a hotel. This house is his, but he knows that I do not have the funds to go anywhere else right now.....so he has decided to stay at a hotel for the next month or so. He said that he is tired of my issues and that he does not want to live in the same house as me. He did not answer his phone or return my text messages last night, so I can only assume he was busy.

We have spoken over the phone and Instant Messenger today and he has informed me that he will not be coming back home for at least a month. He told me that I need to get a job, learn IT faster and get my panic disorder under control if I want our relationship to work out. He told me that this was my last chance. He suggested that I go live with my ex-husband who is a psychiatrist so that he can get me the help I need. And yet he keeps saying that he loves me. I cannot understand how he can tell me he loves me and then suggest that I go live with another man?! I cannot understand how he claims to love me but he has left me here alone when I need him the most.

I asked him what hotel he is staying at and he refuses to tell me. He said that he does not want me stalking him. I told him that if he needs his space I will respect that, and I will not be stopping by the hotel. But he continues to refuse to give me the name of the place that he is staying. To me, this says one thing....he does not want me catching him with someone else. There is no other reason to withhold that information. When I told him that, he told me I was crazy and to leave him alone. He also went to the courthouse today to have eviction papers drawn up. He said that he will only enforce them if I do not improve the things he stated I needed to improve. Well, none of this spells love to me at all.

Perhaps I am crazy, but it seems to me as though he has found someone else or is at the very least entertaining the idea. I spent this morning telling him that I would fix everything and asking him to come home. He refused and said that he would only return home when I had proved I had done everything I needed to do. After spending the day thinking, it is clear to me that even if I do fix everything he has requested of me....he will still not want to be in a relationship with me. I wrote him an email and told him that he just needs to be honest with me. If he wants out, then he just needs to say so. I also told him that I felt that it was shady of him to keep the name of the place he is staying a secret and he responded in anger and by telling me I am crazy.

I spoke with my ex-husband last night. He has offered to fly me and three of my cats to Texas. He said that he would get me a nice hotel room and pay my bills and the cats could stay with him. He spoke with three psychiatrists last night who have agreed to see me pro-bono. I was clear with my ex-husband that I did not want to rekindle our relationship, but I needed help right now.  He said that he understood that and that he would help me without expecting anything in return.

Yet, here I am sitting here still hoping for some way to work things out with the man I love. Even though I can hear in his voice that he no longer loves me. I am a fool. I chose this man over my family and he has tossed me aside like so much garbage. He is not a bad man, but I feel like he is an entirely different person from the one I got engaged to last week! My head is telling me to go to Texas and get the help I need so I can straighten my life out. My heart is telling me that I just need to find a way to make my ex fiancee love me again! Right now, I AM feeling crazy!

I am nearly thirty years old and I am sitting here acting like a seventeen year old. I am trying to convince myself that he is not telling me the name of the place he is staying for any reason but the fact that he is probably planning to cheat on me and does not want to get caught. I am pretending that I cannot hear how much he hates me in his voice. I am so pathetic. I know what the right thing to do is, but I also know that it is going to break my heart. I mean, really, how am I supposed to magically cure my panic disorder in the next thirty days?!

It has been a long time since I have had my heart broken. And I have never loved anyone with the same intensity that I love him. I guess I am just trying to prolong the inevitable pain by lying to myself. I keep telling myself that he is just angry and that he will come around, but I know it is not true. And even if we were to try and patch things up, I would always wonder whether or not he had cheated on me while staying in his "hotel", if that is even where he is staying. Not a good base for a fresh start.

I know what I have to do, but I hate it. I love him SO much! But I also know that you cannot make someone love you back. It kills me thinking about it because I really intended to spend the rest of my life with him. Now, I am trying to figure out how I am going to move past those dreams and on with my life.

We have always been rocky, but we stuck together and worked it out. Now, I can only assume that he has found someone who is not "mental" and who makes him happier. I love him and want him to be happy, even if that is not with me. But this really hurts and I keep having to stop myself from calling him and begging him to forgive me and promising that I will fix everything....begging him to love me. That is why I am blogging, because I have to keep busy, or I will throw my remaining pride aside and make that stupid call.

Everyone was right...my family, my friends, everyone. Now I am the fool who stayed because I loved him and just realized that he does not love me.

I am going to stop blogging because otherwise I am going to start cursing, lol. Really, I know I will get through this, but it hurts like hell. It makes no sense that I would love him this much when it is clear we were not meant to be together.

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faith said:

... Could this have come at a worse time? Omg! Me and my boyfriend got into the WORST fights, in the middle of one of my panic cycles and it felt like I was going to die. There is NO "cure" or quick fix for panic disorder. That is putting WAY too much on your plate. Its bad enough trying to deal with panic disorder without having somebody do something like that to you. Thats HORRIBLE. Just goes to show that we aren't the only ones who suffer with this. It also effects the ones that we love. Its so unfair. Im so sorry that you are going through this. Its heart breaking, I know. I wish you the best of luck and come by and vent ANY time you need to! We are all here to listen and try to cheer you up! Pretty nice bunch of strangers hey? Lol. ~hugs~ :)

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April 25, 2008
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faith said:

... Could this have come at a worse time? Omg! Me and my boyfriend got into the WORST fights, in the middle of one of my panic cycles and it felt like I was going to die. There is NO "cure" or quick fix for panic disorder. That is putting WAY too much on your plate. Its bad enough trying to deal with panic disorder without having somebody do something like that to you. Thats HORRIBLE. Just goes to show that we aren't the only ones who suffer with this. It also effects the ones that we love. Its so unfair. Im so sorry that you are going through this. Its heart breaking, I know. I wish you the best of luck and come by and vent ANY time you need to! We are all here to listen and try to cheer you up! Pretty nice bunch of strangers hey? Lol. ~hugs~ :)

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April 25, 2008
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4abetterlife said:

	... Faith- Thanks for the kind response. He came home today and we are going to try and work it out. You are right about the panic disorder not just affecting those who have it but those around them as well. I am just hoping that we will be able to work through this and trying to stay positive. Thanks again for your kind post, this place is full of wonderful and helpful people! Thanks, Rachel
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April 26, 2008
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4abetterlife said:

	... Faith- Thanks for the kind response. He came home today and we are going to try and work it out. You are right about the panic disorder not just affecting those who have it but those around them as well. I am just hoping that we will be able to work through this and trying to stay positive. Thanks again for your kind post, this place is full of wonderful and helpful people! Thanks, Rachel
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April 26, 2008
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