Well, as most of you who have read my previous blogs and posts know...I have been learning web development from home. My fiancee has gone to school for this and does it for a living. So, he has been able to teach me quite a lot. But apparently, I have not put enough effort into learning it and have not managed to do so as quickly as we both anticipated.

Our roommate (his best friend recently decided to move out with his girlfriend). This has left us in a bit of a financial bind. I was under the impression that we would be able to make ends meet until I found a job in developing. But I got a call today offerring to interview me for a receptionist position on Thursday. It will pay me $11.00 an hour. I quit my previous job where I had worked for a year doing  basically the same thing for $11.40 an hour (actually, I was on salary) in order to learn development.

Well, my fiancee is now telling me that I should go for this new job. Number one, I am not sure how I am going to return to work when I cannot manage to go to WalMart without having a panic attack. And number two, I am extremely disappointed in the idea of going right back to the same career. I know that things are tight and I have no right to be angry with my fiancee, but I feel as though he does not believe in me and I am angry. I am angry with myself for yet another failure. This is just one more thing that everyone can laugh about and say "I knew she would never accomplish it."

I am tired of being the failure in everyone's eyes. I am tired of doing a job that requires little more than a pretty face and a friendly attitude. Mostly, this has left me doubting everything I thought I wanted. I thought that I was engaged to a man who was willing to support me in acheiving my dream. I thought that we had a plan for a future that would give us financial stabilility. Now, I am feeling as though he has no belief in me at all and I am angry. I am pissed off at myself for failing yet again. And I am angry at him for not supporting me the way that I feel he should.

This situation has thrown everything into doubt for me. Do I really want to marry a man who happily sends me back to a job I am bored by instead of working with me to find a way to make both our dreams come true? Do I want to spend the rest of my life answering phones and knowing that I am capable of so much more? Perhaps I depend on the men in my life too much. But if you cannot count on your fiancee to support you in your dream...then who can you count on?

I guess it is back to the same old boring job for me. I guess that I have made my choice and now I am going to have to deal with it. This is just embarrassing and humiliating. My family will really get a kick out of the fact that I have failed yet again. Right at this moment, I hate my life, and I hate the decisions that I constitently make that always lead me right back to failure. I really thought that this time would be different. I was so close to succeeding and now I am back where I started and making even less.:(

Why can't life just work out right for once?? Why do I always have to be the loser in my family?? Why did I even bother trying this time?

TrackBack URI for this entry

Comments (6)

Subscribe to this comment's feed

maddie said:

... Hello. Hope it helped getting all that off your chest. You are not a failure and have not lost your dream. Sometimes they just take longer to achieve. Could you perhaps work part time and study part time? Or advertise for another roommate? I hope that you have been able to discuss how you are feeling with your fiance. Try to formulate some goals with him for your joint future that you can then put to your family as a positive plan. Good luck!

report abuse vote down vote up

April 23, 2008
Votes: +0

maddie said:

... Hello. Hope it helped getting all that off your chest. You are not a failure and have not lost your dream. Sometimes they just take longer to achieve. Could you perhaps work part time and study part time? Or advertise for another roommate? I hope that you have been able to discuss how you are feeling with your fiance. Try to formulate some goals with him for your joint future that you can then put to your family as a positive plan. Good luck!

report abuse vote down vote up

April 23, 2008
Votes: +0

rippelk2 said:

... Hi there, you are not the loser in your family and I do hope no one views you in this way. I feel you may feel as though you have let yourself down so many ways that you feel you must be letting everyone else down too. I'm sure that your fiance is very frustrated because it is very hard to understand what someone with a panic disorder is going through. Unfortunately, many think that we use our disorder as a crutch. As to your walmart remark, I agree with you and at one point in my life I did not leave my house for 2 months! I have gotten soo much better since then and am trying to live my life with my anxiety instead of fearing it and "what if'ing" it. There is absolutely no reason why you have to go back to your old job if that is not what you want. You can try out this new job, you can live your dream. Your fiance should support you through these rough times and be by your side for YOUR choices. He can not MAKE you go back to your old job. Explain to him how you are feeling. Now that you guys have the future to look forward to, you should make sure that communication between you two is open and willing to work on whatever obstacle may get in your way. The most important thing for you to do is to focus on you and what you want and give yourself positivity. Stop calling yourself a failure because you are not. Make yourself proud, start living. Once you accept the emotions and feelings you go through, they will lessen. And I'm going through problems myself. I want to become a licensed professional counsel and am going to graduate school in about a year or less for this program. I am scared to death of how my panic disorder will affect me in such a serious environment where my patients will be so unstable. But I'm doing it anyway. I want to help and NO matter what, I will be proud of myself for accomplishing this, even if it isn't the job I'll have forever.

report abuse vote down vote up

April 23, 2008
Votes: +0

rippelk2 said:

... Hi there, you are not the loser in your family and I do hope no one views you in this way. I feel you may feel as though you have let yourself down so many ways that you feel you must be letting everyone else down too. I'm sure that your fiance is very frustrated because it is very hard to understand what someone with a panic disorder is going through. Unfortunately, many think that we use our disorder as a crutch. As to your walmart remark, I agree with you and at one point in my life I did not leave my house for 2 months! I have gotten soo much better since then and am trying to live my life with my anxiety instead of fearing it and "what if'ing" it. There is absolutely no reason why you have to go back to your old job if that is not what you want. You can try out this new job, you can live your dream. Your fiance should support you through these rough times and be by your side for YOUR choices. He can not MAKE you go back to your old job. Explain to him how you are feeling. Now that you guys have the future to look forward to, you should make sure that communication between you two is open and willing to work on whatever obstacle may get in your way. The most important thing for you to do is to focus on you and what you want and give yourself positivity. Stop calling yourself a failure because you are not. Make yourself proud, start living. Once you accept the emotions and feelings you go through, they will lessen. And I'm going through problems myself. I want to become a licensed professional counsel and am going to graduate school in about a year or less for this program. I am scared to death of how my panic disorder will affect me in such a serious environment where my patients will be so unstable. But I'm doing it anyway. I want to help and NO matter what, I will be proud of myself for accomplishing this, even if it isn't the job I'll have forever.

report abuse vote down vote up

April 23, 2008
Votes: +0

ceejay said:

... Lots of people work at one job to make ends meet, while studying and learning a new career! Try not to view your life and your situation in such stark terms. Things are rarely ALL good or ALL bad! I know you're emotional right now with your family behaving so strangely and then getting engaged -- but do try to breathe deeply and believe in your fiance! Perhaps this is the best way for the two of you to plan a life together. Regular money makes it possible for you two to live alone without another roommate! That is a GOOD thing! I often get a lot of relief if I can find the good in any situation and if I can be grateful in my life. You may be don't get that kind of support from your family, but you're getting ready to make a new family. So make this attitude of gratitude part of your NEW family foundation! In today's economy I know a LOT of people who would jump on $11/hr for steady work!! You can do it!! Don't let panic keep you back or limit your life. Good luck!

report abuse vote down vote up

April 23, 2008
Votes: +0

ceejay said:

... Lots of people work at one job to make ends meet, while studying and learning a new career! Try not to view your life and your situation in such stark terms. Things are rarely ALL good or ALL bad! I know you're emotional right now with your family behaving so strangely and then getting engaged -- but do try to breathe deeply and believe in your fiance! Perhaps this is the best way for the two of you to plan a life together. Regular money makes it possible for you two to live alone without another roommate! That is a GOOD thing! I often get a lot of relief if I can find the good in any situation and if I can be grateful in my life. You may be don't get that kind of support from your family, but you're getting ready to make a new family. So make this attitude of gratitude part of your NEW family foundation! In today's economy I know a LOT of people who would jump on $11/hr for steady work!! You can do it!! Don't let panic keep you back or limit your life. Good luck!

report abuse vote down vote up

April 23, 2008
Votes: +0