Home again after a whirlwind trip to visit family interstate.  We all had a great time, my brothers' wife loved meeting our grandmother, and found the trip fairly emotional - so did I. I always have culture shock after visiting the state where I have not lived for 30 years, and always feel down for a while afterwards. But I don't think I could live there, even with all my family - farms, cold weather, boring, compared to here.  But golly we ate heaps!! Tasmanian raspberries, cheese, chocolate and the best scones we've ever had.

I had some minor anxiety while away. Stayed with my older brother who has built a fantastic home in the middle of the bush, then my sister's house, and I felt weird waking during the night with the dead silence and smoky air from the chimneys. I also get stressed big time around my dad and stepmother, who can both talk the ears off a deaf man about nothing in particular. My dad still treats me like a 7 year old, which REALLY annoys me! So tension was high as usual.   My grandmother is 91, and has been a major worrier her whole life, but she held my hand and begged ME not to worry so much.   Interestingly, I read an article today that said people who worry excessively are 50 percent more likely to die early. Well, my nana is doing really well and still has all her marbles and her sense of humour, so there is hope for us yet!

But while we were there, we discovered that one of my uncles (my dad's brother) who was already in a nursing home had cancer, and they said he had only a few weeks left. He died this morning.  So I may be jumping straight back on a plane to Melbourne this week to attend his funeral. He was the most kind hearted person, never had kids, his wife died last year, all his family are interstate. I cannot stand the idea of him having nobody there to say goodbye. I want to go.

 I am already going backwards a bit with the anxiety.  I had a mild panic attack at the movies while watching the Spiderwick Chronicles - got a pain in my back, my mind went into overdrive, and next thing my hands were sweating, my body was tingling and I couldn't breathe! I put my shoes on ready to race to the foyer to call an ambulance, but managed to talk myself out of it. Nobody even knew.  I was so shaky at my psychologist appt. yesterday she advised me to up my dose of meds - not yet, I'm fine, really !! LOL

It's been a heavy couple of weeks - leaving work, travelling, trying to spend time with everyone in only 5 days, late nights, news of illness and deaths, knowing I have to get a job asap. 

 It didn't help that the TV show was on with my brother's first appearance - this episode was dedicated to his memory -  It is SO not fair that this show is getting such good reviews, and another series will be made, and he is not here to enjoy it.  For anyone with a spare hour to watch a fairly good show, you can watch it on the website.  The show is filmed in Byron Bay NSW, one of my favourite areas, and has some great scenery. Here is the link - click on Epsiode 3 in the black circle at the bottom to view the whole episode - my brother has a few scenes playing the young policeman, and will also be in next weeks episode 4.  http://www.abc.net.au/tv/eastofeverything/#/Watch/

I'm really proud of him!!   I did feel really awful for a bit last week - we were talking about him over lunch, and his wife mentioned that I was the only person who could really get under his skin, that nobody else made him cranky as much as I did. So I thought, it's true - my little brother really hated me!  The she added that it was because he always just wanted my approval. He thought I was someone he needed to impress!   I cried in private after that, as I always felt I needed HIS approval - he was so cool with his leather jacket and motorbike, and travelling and theatre friends.   2 weeks until the court hearing for the accident - I think I'll postpone looking for work until it's over.

I've had a few WHAT IFS enter my mind lately, which is really annoying, then I'm like, What If the anxiety is about to hit bad again?? So keeping my mind busy with stuff is going to be really important - my aim is to start painting and scrapbooking, but it is still so hard for me to relax and take the time to do things like that, without WORRYING about housework and lack of income.

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maddie said:

... phew scooby! I'm worn out reading all this - you must be exhausted. I'm pleased for you that the trip went well and sorry to hear about your uncle. Thanks for the link to the TV show. It was heartwrending to see your brother so full of health. As you say, the area it was filmed is beautiful. Please be kind to yourself. The housework really doesn't matter for now and you could find a job stacking shelves to meet a financial crisis if you had to. What matters is you regaining your strength of body and mind. Back to little steps. Break the day down and work through each hour (each 1/2 hour if you need). Small goals - like setting out what you need to paint or scrapbook. Loads of self-praise for what you do and acceptance that, for the moment, the rest can wait. Your priority above all else has to be you. Big hugs xxxxxxxx

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April 15, 2008
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scooby said:

	... Thanks maddie - that is good advice. I just wish I could lose the guilt! :) XX
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April 18, 2008
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