Finally, I'm free of my job. Yay!  On my last day, the office bought me a cake and a lovely bunch of flowers, then my bosses asked if I would like to come in the next day and help train the new girl.    This new employee was only replacing a lady they fired 3 months ago!

Sheesh!  No, I didn't want to, but feeling suitably guilty about leaving, I agreed.  Then I went in for 3 hours the next day as well. They are so swamped with work, and I regret that I am leaving them at such a busy time, but I DID give sufficient notice, and it's not my fault that a replacement for me wasn't hired. right?

They have also asked if I would like to come back in a few weeks and help them set up a new computer filing system. OMG, they don't want to let me go!  It's really nice that I am wanted and appreciated, and I wouldn't mind going back to help, but somehow I have to move on and find a new job.  My boss told me I was one of the nicest people he had ever met, so that was really nice too!  

I decided to take advantage of having some time off - as it turns out, my kids are off school next week, AND my husband has the week off - the first school holidays he has ever had leave, so I talked him into taking a trip interstate to see my family.  It took a LOT of talking! So we are flying to Tasmania Sunday night for the week. And my sister in law has decided to come too!  She is making the trip to meet our grandmother, she was with my brother for 11 years, and never got there with him, so I am SO happy that she is joining us - I can show her around, where her husband was born etc etc.

BUT of course, in the trend of needing something to worry about, I am now having anxiety about the trip. Not the flying so much, but just leaving the daily routine, being out of my comfort zone. I wanted this, but now I'm wondering if I made the right decision. Self doubt again!

I had a session with my counsellor this week, and she is convinced that quitting my job and even taking the trip were good decisions - but I still feel very irresponsible, even though I am sleeping better already since leaving work.

Life is busy, with my kids football training, housework, all the things that we do every day, but I am feeling disillusioned with life more and more.  It seems like every human being is just running toward something, trying to get to some place where life suddenly makes sense.  Every day is a mountain to climb - go to work,  buy a new car, renovate - we put all this pressure on ourselves, but why? When do we stop and just say - I'm done. I'm happy. I'm complete. It never happens, we are never finished trying to achieve something.  And before you know it, life is over, and you realise that maybe your life should not have been about getting that promotion, buying the latest TV.   I am disillusioned with marriage and the "rules" that say you must be with one person for the rest of your life, and if you don't, you are not a decent person.  Feelings change so easily, so who invented commitment - it seems to make marriage a duty for too many. 

I used to think my brother was irresponsible for not holding down a conventional job, for delaying getting married, for jumping on a plane to Pakistan or Nepal every year. But his life turned out to be too short, and now I could not have wished for it to have been any better - he did what HE wanted to do, he did not live by the rules, and I am SO grateful for that. 

I wish I could break free a bit of societies expectations and do something different or reckless, but I still have my cautious, "do the right thing" attitude to contend with.  But is the approval of others really so important, or would it be better to die knowing that you let yourself have every experience possible? sigh  - I just can't lose my fear of getting old or getting hit by a bus tomorrow without having lived.

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maddie said:

... scooby, I do wish I could express myself the way you do! "Every day is a mountain to climb - go to work, buy a new car, renovate - we put all this pressure on ourselves, but why? When do we stop and just say - I'm done. I'm happy. I'm complete." This is where I am at now. Since I have started to go out again and family have seen how hard it is for me, they have finally reached some understanding of anxiety. I have managed to be assertive enough to say no, I am not going back where I was, but I don't know what I do want yet. They all treat me like something alien for not wanting the same as them, but I am not going to get drawn back into the materialistic ratrace that so damaged me. Please don't feel guilty for leaving work. You gave notice and worked it. You owe nothing. Your trip sounds so exciting! It's great your sister-in-law can go too. She'll be able to visualise so much more of your brother's life afterwards. I just went away a week with my daughter. I know what you mean - your anxiety is about leaving your familiar routine. Can I suggest that you establish one for while you are there. Just small things - time for your first cuppa (maybe quietly in bed) first thing, a favourite book that's like a friend for 10 minutes at night, or a cushion you recognise to put on your bed. Even a scarf to wear daily to remind you home is only a few days away. Just a little something to comfort you. It's very easy to feel dissatisfied with a long relationship. I'm not sure we were meant to be monogomous either. Possibly, though, there is a restlessness in you that needs release before looking at your marriage. Are there any adventure holidays you could go on - bareback riding across the Nullabore, hot air ballooning over Ayres Rock? Anthing that would excite you? Just a thought. Hope you have a great trip. Please let us know how it goes.

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April 03, 2008
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lamy12 said:

... Hi Scooby~Once again you have this uncanny ability to write in words so many of the thoughts I am feeling. "Every day is a mountain to climb - go to work, buy a new car, renovate - we put all this pressure on ourselves, but why? When do we stop and just say - I'm done. I'm happy. I'm complete. It never happens, we are never finished trying to achieve something. And before you know it, life is over, and you realise that maybe your life should not have been about getting that promotion, buying the latest TV. I am disillusioned with marriage and the "rules" that say you must be with one person for the rest of your life, and if you don't, you are not a decent person. Feelings change so easily, so who invented commitment - it seems to make marriage a duty for too many." I question these things as well. And I have not founbd the answers yet. But I do agree with what you wrote about your brother and how he lived his life. I am starting to live more like that instead of being in my mind "responsible about everything." For me that means concerts, theater, massages. If someone told me three years ago that I would have spent the money I have to see Barbra Streisand, Celine Dion, Elton John, Bon Jovi, Madonna, and many others, I would have laughted and said "no way!!!" But now I feel differently. Life is short and I want to enjoy it. Not to say that I am being irresponible, but I am chosing to do the things that inspire me and make me feel alive. I hope this trip is the start of that for you!!!! I know that in spite of your anxious feelings, this will be awesome for you!!! I can't wait to hear all about it. love always, lamy

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April 03, 2008
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ceejay said:

... I totally agree Scooby - you're amazingly articulate!!! Thank you for all those wonderful thoughts, fears and feelings!! I'm so glad you're all going on this wonderful trip! Can't wait to hear about it! You know, there are times in your life when you do stop and say "wow - this is great" -- it's sort of like stopping and saying "I'm done." But life goes on -- and more stuff, and more people, and kids grow and so on ... so we keep climbing and walking and opening doors and going through .... and living. You're an amazing woman, and I'm lucky to know you! Oh - and I was thinking: how about asking your boss out to lunch and proposing that you do contract work for him that has ONLY to do with training, computers and office admin. You will limit to 10-15 hrs per week and not a second more! No clients, no customers and NO STRESS!!! And tell him it's temporary till you find another job. It might be a win/win because you could keep working a little, and stay away from the yuck part ... and then when you find a job you really like, you're free to go take it. It might be something (outside the box) to think about! :) Hugs and love to you dear friend!

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April 04, 2008
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scooby said:

	... maddie, lamy and ceejay, thank you for your encouragement, support and good advice. I am lucky to know all of you! XXX
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