Just wanted to say sorry to all my friends and everyone that I haven't been able to be on lately. Things have been very busy with school for me the past couple of weeks. Usually I'm on here all the time, multiple times a day. Remember, if anyone ever needs me, you can always e mail me or private message me. I make sure to at least try to get on here once a day.  As for me, again, school is just nuts...they need to cool it, lol. I have 2 extremely hard mid terms this week and I've been studying my lil butt off for them so hopefully I'll do okay. Ones tomorrow (eek).

 Some up's for me! I went to the St. Patty's day parade downtown new haven and had a BLAST yesterday! it was so much fun! however, the wind was insane, and my face is bright red now because of windburn,  haha, it looks ridiculous! I got through the WHOLE thing panic/anxiety free!!!!!!!!! Never thought that would be possible a year ago. There were SO many people there, it was SO crowded and SO loud, and things going on everywhere! it was ABSOLUTELY nuts!!! So I am really proud of myself for being anxiety free the whole time! it reminds me to always keep my head up when I have "down" days with my anxiety.

 Went to the dentist for the first time in 2 and a 1/2 years....I got what I asked for, for not going that long (i've been avoiding the dentist because of my anxiety as well). I got there, did take an extra 1/2 a pill of my .5 xanax to help me, but was anxiety free the WHOLE time too! Up until when she told me the bad news...I have 3 cavities. 1 I knew that I had bc it hurt real bad if food got in it. The 2nd one is between my two teeth and I didn't know I had it till she flossed there (YYYOOOUUUUCHHH!!!!) haha...wow...is all I have to say to how much that hurt. THEN, I have to get 1 wisdom tooth out. This is what I'm most anxious/panicky abotu doing. I had one out b4 and don't remember it being that good of an experience. My worst fear is being put out, so I refuse. Hopefully they'll just give me novacaine and laughing gas, i think that's what I got last time.

 But I'm doing great when it comes to anxiety, self esteem/confidence issues right now is a biiiiiig difference. I know this is really unhealthy, and I even talked to my psychiatrist about my feelings and she's real good, but she didn't really have the magic words I seemed to be looking for. Basically, i have gained 25 pounds in the past year. I don't know how or why (prob. bc i love food and i hate exercise), but it's happened. I feel disgusting, utterly disgusting. I was 123 pounds in high school, i'm 5'3", and looked REAL good (but even then, I wasn't happy with myself that I remember, so sad society makes us look at ourselves), now I am 160 pounds.  Needless to say I'm highly depressed about it. I went to the gym for 2 weeks, didn't see a change, missed a day or two and now I haven't been in 3 weeks, went on a diet for a week, broke that. I can't keep a diet. I need to do something to change my weight. So here is the mentally unhealthy part...I seriously, no joke, walk down my halls saying in my head that I am disgusting and fat, and that everyone is just looking at how fat I am and wondering how someone attractive became someone so gross and disgusting. I think that people look at me and say "that's Lee's girlfriend? ew" See and this is the sad reason i think like this, because at one point, I used to be one of those girls. Well, back in high school, I've grown and matured a LOT since then. If i showed myself a picture of how I look now to myself then, I would have laughed and said that I looked disgusting. I always used to say "how do people let themselves get like that, I would never let myself get like that" and now look! I am like that! And I am not fat, I know this, but to "me" I'm horrendous. I'm so unhappy in my own skin. I can't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore and sometimes I just can stare at myself there (naked) and I've cried histerically before and cursing myself, telling myself I'm disgusting. When I sit, all I feel is my fat all on my stomache, it's so disgusting I can't stand it. See and this sounds like I would become anorexic or bulimic with the way i'm talking, but i couldn't if I wanted to. I LOVE food, and of course, I love everything that's BAD for you to eat. I HATE healthy food, it's nasty and so un-satisfying. My boyfriend says that he couldn't care less what I look like because he loves me, but deep down, how could he not think that I am so less attractive then I used to be. he used to be all over me, and now it's gone down a lot. :( I used to have guys check me out ALL the time, everwhere I went, and I noticed to, and now I know I'm gross bc I never see anyone check me out. I know this sounds so horrible and so superficial and self involved and what not, but I hate the way I look, and it is seriously getting to an unhealthy mental point. I don't know what to do! So, I just wanted to vent. I know the only way to lose weight is to DO something about it, this is what everyone tells me, but i've tried, and look where I am. Sadly, whenever I can real down about my weight, I end up eating. it comforts me for the time being...pathetic I am...sshheesh. At least my anxiety level is down. I'll take  being fat any day over having panic attacks every day again.

 So ending on a positive note, I've been amazingly anxiety/panic free (for the most part ;) )

TrackBack URI for this entry

Comments (2)

Subscribe to this comment's feed

ceejay said:

... Hi you! So much good in that blog!!! Good stuff with friends and panic and your life! Hope your mid-terms go well, and you don't get too stressed. You'll find the right way for you with the food and exercise. I've found that the more positive I can be with myself, the better able I am to encourage good choices and good behavior. If I beat up on msyelf it's down hill FAST! Do try to stay positive and caring with yourself - just like you would with a friend!! Befriend yourself, be upbeat, be positive and encouraging! Know that you are wonderful and worthwhile - and that you can make meaningful changes in small ways! Take care dear one, and we'll see you when we see you!!! hugs!!!

report abuse vote down vote up

March 10, 2008
Votes: +0

Miss.Sarah said:

... Hey...I just wanted to tell you my story I haven't been to a dentist for 7 years *i'm 26* because of anxiety right...I had an infection in my wisdom tooth and had a cavity to fill so they wanted to pull the tooth, so i Obessed with it for like a week untill the appointment I took 1mg of Ativan and got the tooth pulled and the cavity filled with NO ANXIETY!!!! The tooth took all of like 2 mins to get out, they have to use differen't tools to loosin it but it comes out like nothing, and comming from miss. anxiety of the centry if I can do it you can, the cavity filling wasn't nothing either....I didn't overly care for the frozen mouth feeling but I lived thou the whole thing and trust me its a breeze :)

report abuse vote down vote up

March 14, 2008
Votes: +0