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I Want to survive

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Thursday, 02 November 2006

Posted by: Luper on Thursday, November 02, 2006


Well, I have been on this site for a while now, which has helped me so much. I have read the other stories, and decided it was time to share mine.

My name is Lisa, and I am 41 years old. I have suffered from anxiety my whole life. It started with terrible separation anxiety from my mom. She used to drag me to school and leave me crying with my teacher. I would be invited to friend’s houses for birthday parties and the like, but could never go. I would be throwing up at just the thought. My mom was taking me to the doctor all the time. I had all kinds of horrible tests done, but everything was normal. They said I was just a nervous child.

As the years passed, I did okay. I was always very quiet and shy. Always a loner. When I got into high school, things started getting worse. I was quite tall - 6 feet, so I was constantly teased and called names. I didn't date because the guys didn't want to go out with someone taller than they were. My parents wanted me to go on to college, but fear held me back. I met a guy at 18, and decided to get married. This took me 40 miles from home and into a bad relationship. I had a son at 23 - my pride and joy.

I decided to leave the relationship when my son was almost two. That's when things really got bad. My mom was diagnosed with leukemia, and two months after I moved out, my dad died unexpectedly of a massive heart attack. My mom fought the cancer with many ups and downs for 12 years. The day she died, my life changed forever. We were best friends. Her death also hit my brother very hard and he began drinking. After trying everything to help him thru 3 years of alcoholism, he died unexpectedly in December. My panic, anxiety and depression skyrocketed. This was my whole family, and I just don't know why I was left here without them. My son left for college in July - just one more blow. All alone now, I just wanted God to take me too.

It has been a pretty tough year. I finally decided to get some help, and found a great psychiatrist. I am on meds now and doing better. I still have bad days and get freaked out, but with my meds and the great people on this site that are so supportive and caring, I do believe things might just get better. It's an everyday battle, but I know I can make it - I really want to be a survivor!
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