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Tuesday, 26 April 2005 |
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Posted by: DeBee on Tuesday, April 26, 2005
May I introduce myself to you. I am DeBee, a wife, a mother, a sister, a nurse..... and I am someone who has GAD and PD. It wasn't until I gave birth to my third child, at age 32, that I had my first full blown panic attack. Panic Attacks, to me, are like what I would imagine *Hell *would be like. I cannot think of *anything* that is worse than going through a *severe* panic attack.
I seem to be one of the few that doesn't fear physical illnesses or death. I don't become fearful when my heart suddenly races at 160-180, or I lose some of my sight with the onset of a migraine, etc... My realistic concerns over my physical being may be partially because I am a nurse. Or maybe it's because I have had so many serious illnesses within my life that it has somehow desensitized me.* a pulmonary embolism when I was in my third trimester of pregnancy, at the age of 20.* a spontaneous subarachnoid brain hemorrhage, at the age of 29.* bi-lateral mastectomies when I was in nursing school, at age 37.* two recent close heart surgeries. Ablation for atrial fib. * I also have malfunctioning adrenal gland and a thyroid disorder.* I have a beautiful daughter who has a rare bone disease which there is no treatment. However.....My *demon trigger* to panic is not in that list above, but rather it is the horror in the feelings of de-realization. A fear of being separated from reality and life. If I feel the slightest bit "off centered", or what most people would consider feeling, "Out of It"... that scares me to death. My greatest fear is being stuck in that deep dark world of foggy brained unreality, which causes me to feel strangely separated from *everything* that I love and care about. It's like "Walking Dead.", or being left in the deepest, darkest hole with no way out. I was panic free for more than 15+ years, and then I went into an early menopause and the panic attacks returned twice as badly as previous times. Through CBT I have *learned* to embrace my disorder and simply *be* with this demon feeling, and not to try to run and hide. I am learning to "ride the waves" with this emotion through sitting meditations. Through simply "living in the now", without tagging on any additional storylines. This has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to learn in my life. I have often ask God why.... but maybe my question should be "Why not?” Above All I Wish You Peace in Your Lives, DeBee
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