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My 20 years of Fear and Anxiety

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Thursday, 03 February 2005

Posted by: KlonoWafer on February 03, 2005

I am a 43 year old, female, married for the second time, with 4 children age 22, 15, 4 +3. We moved to New Jersey because my husband got a job in NYC in Dec. 2003. We lived in Germany before, but my husband is from Texas. And I am a SURVIVOR.

As a child it was not too bad. I heard a lot of people talking about having symptoms their whole life. I might of had them too but not intentional. I was always afraid of the dark or I was afraid of going to the basement to get something for my parents. And I was afraid of other unrealistic things, but I really don’t know if this already had been symptoms. My mother had PAs and at that time doctors gave very heavy medication, like a high dose Valium a few times a day. My stepfather was an alcoholic and is still, but were a good middle class family. So they never let themselfs go and were always a perfect family on the outside. They treated me and my brother well and so I can not say that it was too bad.

The withdrawal from the Valium with my mother was horrible for us children, to see how bad she felt, and the drinking problem of my father was not funny at all. So I tried to leave the home as soon as possible, had some experience with drugs, but I made my way. Always an outgoing, funny and kind person.

It started after I had my first child. He was 3 years old, I had a new boyfriend and a new job and I was pregnant again. At that time in Germany it was easy to get indication for an abortion. Not only that the social factor was given, I had a health problem too and so it was no question for the doctors to do it. Between the first visit in the hospital where they found the health problem and the second visit to fix the problem and end the pregnancy I had a nervous breakdown. And after that my attacks started. I always had a good help in my mother with all her experience and I was able to manage them with relaxation and just a pill in my pocket in case off....? I had them sometimes very often and sometimes not for weeks. It went up and down. I met my husband, had my second child and the attacks were very seldom.

After 7 years I had a divorce and it didn’t make any difference. Except that I quit smoking :) after 20 years. Later when I met my second husband the PAs were almost gone. I had a little bit of anxiety sometimes but was still able to handle it. My husband worked for a German bank and after his grandmother died I sensed that he might be happier to go back to the states and be near his family. So we decided to take the offer to go to NYC to have an even better job. But because of the Kids we decided too to live a little bit further away from the city.

I felt discriminated against to go through the whole process of getting permission to stay, work or travel. I was x-rayed in a garage with an antique x-ray machine. Was blood tested, tuberculosis tested.... you know I am from Germany not from a third world country. I had to "pull down my pants" in the forms we filled (think it was around 20 pages), gave my fingerprints (this was not so bad, think it is necessary) and I’m still having no SS# or green card.

It was very bad when I asked for help because my brother married in April and I had no travel papers then. They told me that they can help me if he would have died, but not in any other case. I was very p****. My brother and I are very close, he is 45 now and I thought it would never happen in his life. And now I wasn’t able to be there, oh man, I was very upset. I made my husband come home from a big official meeting in London. He took the next plane. I lost all the money I paid for the ticket because we booked at an agency without insurance. We never thought it would take so long. They gave me and my daughter permission to travel the end of August. Even she was not able to visit her grandparents like we promised.

Then I received a working permit, but without getting a SS#. :lol: Nobody would give me a job without one. I was not able to change my driver’s license from German into NJ dl until now because my papers are still not ready. (Will have an interview on Feb 25th, Yippy!) The whole situation was very stressful and I had to fight with all the new laws, rules and the language in a new country. It might have been a little too much for my already sensitized nerves. BOOM! It hit me right after my period in September. Went to ER, because it was very heavy. The doc gave me Xanax. He said take it only in case of another attack. I had it for 5 days. BOOM it hit me again; in October; again right after my period. I took a Xanax....no reaction, so back to ER. It was only 3 days this time and worst in the evening. This time the doc recommended going to a specialist. I did and until I have my Klonopin (clonazepam) 4 times a day 0,25mg and my Restoril (temazepam) for the night 30mg I feel good. I had a little anxiety from time to time but nothing that hit me so hard. I started research. I went to every kind of test that might have caused the attacks.

Now I know I have a hyper thyroid but it is right on the edge to be treated so it is not that bad and it will not cause anxiety it will only make it a little more worse. I did more research, read books, started with a meditation class and found the best meditation teacher. He is giving meditation classes since 30 years for FREE and he is teaching in this class Quigong, a little Tai Chi, a mixture from all. We are learning breathing techniques to relax and he was a nutrition counselor for years. So I started a new diet under his supervision. I am going to his massage center to get massages and all that makes me feel great. I am attack free for 3 month now and I had only two days where I had a little anxiety feeling, really easy.

The bonus is that I found this website. Thank you Sunbaked!!! I know if the attacks will come back I am prepared, I am not alone and I have the best help and friends somebody in our situation can have. By the way, my husband is really trying hard to understand and help. I am thankful to have somebody like him on my side.

God bless you all and have a great day. I wish everybody would feel like I feel right now :D

-Klono-
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Comments (8)add comment

Gromit said:

0
...
Hi!I just joined this site today. I am a researcher and I first experienced an anxiety attack when I was getting my PhD. The pressure was extremely intense from my boss to get research data and I was working round the clock. When my research paper was ready I found an error in my results.I couldn't understand how I could have messed up that way.From that day on I suffer severe anxiety attacks about work. I check double check all my work and come home and worry about my results. Sometimes I have severe panic attacks about ridiculous things and have to rush to the bathroom.Its hard on me and brings me down intensely. I have learnt techniques to curb these attacks and reason my way out of them. But its hard and few people understand the severity of living with it all the time.
Thats all. Thanks for reading my whiny comment.
 
December 30, 2007
Votes: +2

Gromit said:

0
...
Hi!I just joined this site today. I am a researcher and I first experienced an anxiety attack when I was getting my PhD. The pressure was extremely intense from my boss to get research data and I was working round the clock. When my research paper was ready I found an error in my results.I couldn't understand how I could have messed up that way.From that day on I suffer severe anxiety attacks about work. I check double check all my work and come home and worry about my results. Sometimes I have severe panic attacks about ridiculous things and have to rush to the bathroom.Its hard on me and brings me down intensely. I have learnt techniques to curb these attacks and reason my way out of them. But its hard and few people understand the severity of living with it all the time.
Thats all. Thanks for reading my whiny comment.
 
December 30, 2007
Votes: +0

Gpab said:

0
...
I'm sorry i don't know how I accidentally posted part of my story here. To complete the story, I had to go back in my research and redo the experiment to fix the error and everything turned out alright since the error gave us new insight. However, it left me with panic attacks about my work. People tell me this is how research works. I see your story and mine seems trivial in front of it. May God give you the strength to handle it. Best wishes.
 
December 31, 2007
Votes: +0

Gpab said:

0
...
I'm sorry i don't know how I accidentally posted part of my story here. To complete the story, I had to go back in my research and redo the experiment to fix the error and everything turned out alright since the error gave us new insight. However, it left me with panic attacks about my work. People tell me this is how research works. I see your story and mine seems trivial in front of it. May God give you the strength to handle it. Best wishes.
 
December 31, 2007
Votes: +1

HSpence said:

6450
self-assessment
meds do help control the problem but it doesn't solve it
countless visits to the doc have helped me manage but there's a cure
check out this video and see if this is what you really have
it will not cost you a dime to do self-assessment

http://bit.ly/gtccFB
 
February 20, 2011 | url
Votes: +0

Damavandi said:

7377
Cured
I was a severe case of panic disorder till Jan 2012.
I found out that I am deficient in vitamin D3.

After proper treatment, I am cured.

Best wishes,
Ali
 
March 07, 2012
Votes: +1

Panic Guy said:

8097
A great story indead...
I really admire people who are able to live life normally, though they experience these kinds of problems. You really have done a lot of amazing stuff their to cure panic attacks. It is true that some of these panic attacks are caused by heath issues like hyper thyroid and asthma and thus need medication. However, if they are not caused by these health problems then it would be best to go the natural way of curing it, like what you have done, massage therapy, healthy diet, breathing techniques and meditation. Thus, I would also like to add some information that might also help you cure panic attacks naturally. Thus, if you have time please visit http://www.panicsurvivor.com/i...nown.html.
 
January 17, 2013 | url
Votes: +0

honestjeenn said:

10233
...
Glad that you are a survivor. I am a survivor and sometimes being hopeless but your story gaves me hope. Thanks for sharing.
 
March 25, 2014
Votes: +0

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Last Updated ( Monday, 19 November 2007 )
 


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