Posted by: KlonoWafer on February 03, 2005
I am a 43 year old, female, married for the second time, with 4 children age 22, 15, 4 +3. We moved to New Jersey because my husband got a job in NYC in Dec. 2003. We lived in Germany before, but my husband is from Texas. And I am a SURVIVOR.
As a child it was not too bad. I heard a lot of people talking about having symptoms their whole life. I might of had them too but not intentional. I was always afraid of the dark or I was afraid of going to the basement to get something for my parents. And I was afraid of other unrealistic things, but I really don’t know if this already had been symptoms. My mother had PAs and at that time doctors gave very heavy medication, like a high dose Valium a few times a day. My stepfather was an alcoholic and is still, but were a good middle class family. So they never let themselfs go and were always a perfect family on the outside. They treated me and my brother well and so I can not say that it was too bad.
The withdrawal from the Valium with my mother was horrible for us children, to see how bad she felt, and the drinking problem of my father was not funny at all. So I tried to leave the home as soon as possible, had some experience with drugs, but I made my way. Always an outgoing, funny and kind person.
It started after I had my first child. He was 3 years old, I had a new boyfriend and a new job and I was pregnant again. At that time in Germany it was easy to get indication for an abortion. Not only that the social factor was given, I had a health problem too and so it was no question for the doctors to do it. Between the first visit in the hospital where they found the health problem and the second visit to fix the problem and end the pregnancy I had a nervous breakdown. And after that my attacks started. I always had a good help in my mother with all her experience and I was able to manage them with relaxation and just a pill in my pocket in case off....? I had them sometimes very often and sometimes not for weeks. It went up and down. I met my husband, had my second child and the attacks were very seldom.
After 7 years I had a divorce and it didn’t make any difference. Except that I quit smoking :) after 20 years. Later when I met my second husband the PAs were almost gone. I had a little bit of anxiety sometimes but was still able to handle it. My husband worked for a German bank and after his grandmother died I sensed that he might be happier to go back to the states and be near his family. So we decided to take the offer to go to NYC to have an even better job. But because of the Kids we decided too to live a little bit further away from the city.
I felt discriminated against to go through the whole process of getting permission to stay, work or travel. I was x-rayed in a garage with an antique x-ray machine. Was blood tested, tuberculosis tested.... you know I am from Germany not from a third world country. I had to "pull down my pants" in the forms we filled (think it was around 20 pages), gave my fingerprints (this was not so bad, think it is necessary) and I’m still having no SS# or green card.
It was very bad when I asked for help because my brother married in April and I had no travel papers then. They told me that they can help me if he would have died, but not in any other case. I was very p****. My brother and I are very close, he is 45 now and I thought it would never happen in his life. And now I wasn’t able to be there, oh man, I was very upset. I made my husband come home from a big official meeting in London. He took the next plane. I lost all the money I paid for the ticket because we booked at an agency without insurance. We never thought it would take so long. They gave me and my daughter permission to travel the end of August. Even she was not able to visit her grandparents like we promised.
Then I received a working permit, but without getting a SS#. :lol: Nobody would give me a job without one. I was not able to change my driver’s license from German into NJ dl until now because my papers are still not ready. (Will have an interview on Feb 25th, Yippy!) The whole situation was very stressful and I had to fight with all the new laws, rules and the language in a new country. It might have been a little too much for my already sensitized nerves. BOOM! It hit me right after my period in September. Went to ER, because it was very heavy. The doc gave me Xanax. He said take it only in case of another attack. I had it for 5 days. BOOM it hit me again; in October; again right after my period. I took a Xanax....no reaction, so back to ER. It was only 3 days this time and worst in the evening. This time the doc recommended going to a specialist. I did and until I have my Klonopin (clonazepam) 4 times a day 0,25mg and my Restoril (temazepam) for the night 30mg I feel good. I had a little anxiety from time to time but nothing that hit me so hard. I started research. I went to every kind of test that might have caused the attacks.
Now I know I have a hyper thyroid but it is right on the edge to be treated so it is not that bad and it will not cause anxiety it will only make it a little more worse. I did more research, read books, started with a meditation class and found the best meditation teacher. He is giving meditation classes since 30 years for FREE and he is teaching in this class Quigong, a little Tai Chi, a mixture from all. We are learning breathing techniques to relax and he was a nutrition counselor for years. So I started a new diet under his supervision. I am going to his massage center to get massages and all that makes me feel great. I am attack free for 3 month now and I had only two days where I had a little anxiety feeling, really easy.
The bonus is that I found this website. Thank you Sunbaked!!! I know if the attacks will come back I am prepared, I am not alone and I have the best help and friends somebody in our situation can have. By the way, my husband is really trying hard to understand and help. I am thankful to have somebody like him on my side.
God bless you all and have a great day. I wish everybody would feel like I feel right now :D