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I am a Survivor

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Thursday, 06 January 2005

Posted by: sherror on January 06, 2005

I love the theme of this site as I feel like I have been a survivor my whole life. My mother has suffered for yrs from severe depression and anxiety. When I was a child she didn't have to abuse us physically because she could do a lot more harm with her mouth. I am happy to say that as an adult there has been a lot of forgiveness o­n my part and we have a close relationship today. I remember as a child having terrible anxiety attacks, also obsessive tendencies and depression.

When I was 22 (1992) my husband started working the night shift. I started having panic attacks not knowing what they were. I would call my sister and she would talk to me until I the panic subsided. Shortly after that I became sick and my ears were badly clogged up. I was having terrible panic attacks but still didn't know what they were. Finally after a week with almost no sleep and breaking down crying to my mother she rushed me to my doctor’s office and he put me o­n Xanax. After I got better the panic went away. Little did I know it was o­nly the beginning.

Years later (1997) when my first child was 2 yrs old, I had what we call my "nervous breakdown". I began to have flashbacks from my childhood more and more. I had terrible nightmares. I had panic attacks so often that it was like they were rolling o­n top of o­ne another without end. I couldn't leave my house; I would have an attack just from o­ne of my family members coming by my house. I felt totally numb and dead inside except for the depression. It was like a huge weight o­n me. I wasn't even living anymore. I was literally just existing. My doctor put me o­n Prozac but it had a bad affect o­n me and made my panic worse.

I began to see a family friend who was a Christian Counselor. He saved my life. He not o­nly was my lifeline, but he helped me forgive and let go of a past full of hurts. He counseled me twice a week for 6 months and never charged me a dime. He passed away a few months ago from cancer but I will never forget what he did for me. It took me about a year to get back o­n my feet from the breakdown, o­nly having occasional panic attacks.

When my second child was about 6 months old (2001) the panic hit hard again. I was in a state of constant panic it seemed. I was in such bad shape that I couldn't care for myself much less a baby. I ended up huddled in a chair and wouldn't move except to go to the bathroom. My husband knowing my history and having spent many a night awake and holding my hand, got me to the doctor quick. He eventually diagnosed me with panic disorder, with depression. He put me o­n an antidepressant and klonopin. Within 3 days I felt immediate relief. I was back to work the next week.

I still have bouts with depression and I have developed phobias because of my panic being so out of control at times. I have fewer attacks now and I can function as a human being again. Though some situations are very hard for me I force myself to do things like ride the occasional elevator or go to a movie I really want to see. I recently went o­n a weekend trip with my mom and sister, without my husband and kids. Even though I was terrified and had some mild panic attacks, I went anyway because I wanted to and I am a survivor. I have been a Christian since I was 19 yrs old. In the bible it says that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. I don't know if I think God gave this disorder to me. But I know that though it would try to destroy me and tear me down, he has taken it and caused it to be something that makes me stronger and more appreciative of what I have and a beacon of hope to others.
Comments (4)add comment

Irish said:

Well written blog. I really enjoyed it and related to it as well. You mentioned at the end about God. One of the great mysteries of Christianity and there are many of course is a quote I will always remember. I will never understand it as I am human, but I do accept it as you did. He said.."The more I make you suffer, the more I love you." I guess we have a blessing and not a curse....Ed
September 14, 2009
Votes: +1

HSpence said:

meds do help control the problem but it doesn't solve it
countless visits to the doc have helped me manage but there's a cure
check out this video and see if this is what you really have
it will not cost you a dime to do self-assessment
February 20, 2011 | url
Votes: +1

a guest said:

How did you find it in yourself to forgive your mom? My dad was the same way when I was little, and I still feel panicked at certain times when I see him or talk to him. Like you said- flashbacks.
October 07, 2011
Votes: +0

harryrock said:

All I can say is well done for being able to share your exeprience with us. Interesting comment from our friend the quuest.
February 29, 2012 | url
Votes: +0

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