I don't understand

My anxiety levels have been high most of the time since before Christmas. I thought I knew how to control it, just like I thought I knew what was going to be happening in my life for the next couple of years. Now I know nothing.

My daughter has been ill but had stabalised on medication that could prevent her having a stroke. She was starting teacher training in September. My partner is due to retire next November and we planned to move somwhere smaller, giving her the balance as a deposit for a house of her own. Nothing to panic about there. I've moved house a few times, so I wasn't looking forward to the stresses of it, but knew I could handle them.

Only now, the spare bedroom is needed as a nursery. My daughter decided to rekindle a relationship with someone who wasn't good to her before. He's been no better this time and now she's pregnant. She's had to come off her medication and is already feeling the effects. She had a bleed but was scanned & told the baby is OK. She's happy to be having it and I know I should be delighted for her. I have been shaking for 4 days since she told me. I haven't slept. I'm so scared for both her & the baby.

I'm sure I will love my grandchild unconditionally, as I love its mother. I just can't help feeling sad for her. She has a 1st class degree, she could have done anything she wanted. I wish she was with someone who loved and cherished her. Life wil be much harder for her now. Harder for us all. We'll have to carry on paying bills here & help her out, so my partner won't retire. I've just spent 2 days in bed because my head couldn't take anymore. I have to overcome the depression and panic, because all I have to give them is my support. I'm not much use to anyone in bed. I just don't understand what I've done wrong. So many things hit me, one after another, to knock me back. I must be doing someting wrong, but I just don't know what.

1. 16-05-2008 23:42

Hi Maddie,

We find ourselves in similar circumstance. I too have a daughter who is pregnant and in a high risk category. I am trying not to think too far ahead and only doing immediately what is needed of me.

You are not doing anything wrong. This is all part of life and sometimes it really puts the boots in.

It is good you put yourself to bed for a few days. Sometimes we need to take the time to get ourselves together. Try to go with the flow on this and react to things as they happen not preempt too much.

The boyfriend thing will work its own self out over time. Your daughter is happy and that is a good thing. All you can do is be supportive.

I am thinking of you and send you a big hug of support.

Cat

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CatWoman

2. 17-05-2008 04:36

Dear maddie,
One thing I have come to accept about myself since beginning this anxiety journey, is that I am just not as resilient as some others. Sure, we look like we are coping on the outside, but everything builds up inside, eating away at our nerves, building up in our head, until we crack slightly. With panic and or depression and or an overwhelmed mind. BUT that is nothing to be ashamed of. If sometimes we need to take to our beds to work through the massive changes and disappointments that life can bring, so be it. There is always tomorrow to get back into it and fight another day.
Look forward to the positives that this baby will bring. How wonderful! Even if it brings risks, and extends the financial burdens. Your daughter will be fine with good medical management. She will be fine with your emotional support if she will be going it alone. Life will be harder, but it will also bring it's own rewards - a smile from a baby is the best reward.
maddie and catwoman, thinking of you both and wishing for good outcomes for all of you.

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scooby

3. 17-05-2008 08:52

Hi Maddie!

It's so hard when other people's choices have life altering changes upon your life and finances.

You are such a survivor. You have overcome so many challenges in your life and just when we thought it was all settling - up comes another sharp bend in the road!!!!

You will the supreme Nanna! The babe will be a wonderful distraction and source of much love and fulfilment for the whole family, once everyone comes to terms with the initial shock.

All my prayers for S and the baby that they both come through this in good health.

You have done nothing wrong. You could never do anything wrong. You are sensational and don't you forget it!!!! :zzz

Talk soon, Leah xxx

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Leah

5. 17-05-2008 14:58

Thank you all. It's so good having you here to sound off to. With the depression and anxiety, you are the only people who really understand that I'm screaming on the inside, but could calmly give an action plan if asked.

Thanks for your advice, common sense and positive support. It really helps

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maddie

6. 17-05-2008 16:06

You aren't doing anything wrong Maddie, all of that is very hard to deal with and would be hard on anyone. As for you wanting someone to love your daughter unconditionally, I wouldn't worry about that. If he is as bad as you say he is to her, then she will realize soon and kick him to the curb. Although he will most likely be in the childs life hopefully forever, he doesn't need to remain in your daughters life. I am sure she will find someone amazing for her who will love her unconditionally and will make a wonderful father figure for this young grandchild of yours

The world works in mysterious ways. Don't get down on yourself. It seems your are taking all the right steps. And don't get down on yourself for resting up in bed a few days or even a week if you really need to do that. Sometimes, we all just need to rest and take a break from life. I hope you feel better soon. You can always pm me, or e mail me, I know I'm not on here as frequently as in the past, but I do love you and care for you and think of you still and would like you to be well and happy. If there is anything I can do, just let me know.

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rippelk2

7. 19-05-2008 20:44

Wow maddie -skip that PM, I just read your blog! What a lot to be going through right now! No wonder you need to be in bed!!

Please let go of the idea that you are doing "something wrong" or that you've done something "to deserve" pain and fear. You haven't. You don't.

Life happens. It is filled with ups and downs. For so many of us with Anxiety and Panic we yearn for some peace and stability. But we get that from INSIDE not from life. Not from outside.

Spend some time meditating and emptying yourself of the blame and fear. It helps no one. Not you, not Sarah, not the baby and not your partner. It only feeds the Panic and Anxiety. And who needs more of that?

Stay away from the thought-paths that will lead you down a trail of doom for the future - of your daughter, of yours, of your partners, of any part of the future. Just don't go down those roads!!! Think of other things.

Find the spring in nature. Find the new life bursting out of the ground and in the world around you.

Focus on the small things each day that make you smile and make you know that you are alive and lucky to be so.

No guilt. No blame. No worry. Yes, there are some stark realities. Yes, life with other human beings has pain in it. Yes, we often want a break from it all.

But none of these things is enough to make Depression, Anxiety and Panic a way of life. Choose something else! A little at a time!

You'll all stay in my prayers - with love and affection,

Cindy

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ceejay

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