Just another day

I can’t relax. I all can think about is going home. I wish I had called in sick. I gave myself a little extra time this morning to get past the anxious feelings. I got to work ½ late. Now I’m sitting at my desk at work and I can’t concentrate on anything other then how crappy I feel.

I feel like everyone around me knows how crazy I am. It is taking everything I have in me to not just grab my purse and get the hell out of here!! I want to scream to yell at this inner beast. “Go away!!” “Leave me alone!!” I have gotten better with this over the years. I have been able to handle it and myself in a different way. But now, today, it is getting the best of me. It is winning. All I want to do is go home and hide under the covers. But instead I have a fake smile and a fake phone voice. “Good morning. How may I help you” I hate this I feel like a fraud. I feel like everyone can see through me. They know of the spin inside me that keeps me from all that they can do. I feel like and outsider.

The phone keeps ringing and the fax keeps going off. There are stacks of papers on my desk and all I want is to hide from it all. I am sad and depressed and defeated.

I wish I had called in sick today. I wish my Klonpin would kick in. I wish I was someone else.

2. 02-04-2008 16:38

Kellybeth you are not defeated. You got to work. You are answering the phone. You are not running away. You are surviving

You're not a fake or a fraud - you are doing your job the best you can today. No-one can see inside you. If anyone notices, would it be so bad to say you feel a bit odd and giddy? Everyone has days like that - there's loads of bugs around, so it wouldn't sound wierd.
You are a lovely person & I for one wouldn't want you to be anyone but you.
(((hugs)))
Maddie

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maddie

3. 02-04-2008 16:56

Kellybeth,

I'm sorry for what your going through, but in a way I'm relieve cause I know I'm not the only one, It happens to me all the time, I had manage to control my panic attacks now with the help of xanax, I dont know it this would help but what i did was i brought in a radio and put it in my desk and i listen to music very low while i work and that would get me relax, I also put a whole bunch of pictures of my family specially my daughter and I tried to focus on something else until i feel better, I know how you feel cause I hate coming in to work not because of my job but because of how i feel, I had to work while i was pregnant and i couldnt take any medicine and i was pretty close to getting fired, but i made it through, and i been in my job almost 4 years and i been suffering from panic attacks for 6 to 5 years, just be strong and positive take a walk, call somebody whenever you feel like that and eventually you will feel better. To me i felt like accomplish to stay at my job for the full 8 hours and that made feel better, I know it sucks, but be patient, positive uses your medicine when you need too, and you will make it. Again I'm really sorry for what your going through, but your not alone or going crazy. I hope you feel better and i hope this helps.

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Enid1980

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