Panic Survivor

I went to counseling last night. I talked about how my last relationship had ended and how my new one has started. I was all happy telling her about all the fun we have together and how he is nice and helpful. He met my mom and best friend. I have already met his mom and his children. For me in my little mind things are looking up for me. Then my counselor burst my happy bubble. Yes I just got out of a 15 year relationship. Yes I know that I have rushed into a new one. But for me it feels right. I really like this guy and I want to spend time with him. My counselor thinks seeing him so much and also spending time with his kids is a bad idea. I have been keeping my distance as much as possible with the kids. I don’t want to get attached to them or them to me, just yet. I worry if the newness of a new relationship will wear off and I will be unhappy again. I really like him and he is giving what I have been needing for so long. My counselor pretty much told me to back off from him. I know that she is right but that is not really what I want to do at this point. I feel like I’m not hurting myself or him. I think he needed this as much as I did. I respect my counselor and she has never steered me wrong. I have been so unhappy for so long that now I feel like if this is making me happy why shouldn’t I just go with it. All this just keeps going through my head. I just want to be happy. I worry that I am reaching to someone else to give me happiness. What I need to do is find the happiness from inside me. My counselor said I was a part of someone else for so long that I need to learn how to be whole by myself. I know she is right. Who am I? Am I just a lost 31 year old that never had time to grow up with out finding herself? What am I doing? Why can’t I just BE? Why does everything have to be analyzed and picked apart? But that’s my problem. I never really look at the big picture. How will things be in a month? A year? I have no idea. But now all I know is I just want to be happy today. Happy now.

1. 14-02-2008 16:09

Kellybeth --

You're facing some of the really difficult questions that we all have had to face on our way to "happily ever after" -- don't feel alone, and don't feel as if there is something wrong with you for needing to go through this!!

Learning how to "be" and how to find happiness inside yourself is not as excruciating as it sounds. ANd it's not as lonely as you imagine! Usually it doesn't mean that you have to give up that new relationship -- it means cultivating a new way of being in it, so that you don't just go on autopilot and repeat past behaviors that have made you miserable.

Of course you enjoy it - and you should!! That's great. But maybe your counselor is suggesting that NOW, while feeling great, is a good time to use some of that great feeling to also do things for yourself, to focus on yourself. To see what itis that you like and don't like. To bolster your ideas of who you are. To seek spiritual grounding, and examine your values. Now, while you're feeling good.

Build some time into each day where you spend time journalling, painting or dancing. Write a letter to a friend once a week -- and really catch them up on YOU (not just on your new relationship). Clean out a drawer each day, going through, weeding out, cleaning up.

These kinds of things support that new relationship and also encourage your sense of strength in your SELF!

You can do it!! Having an adult relationship that really works does take some work on ourselves, and not so much "just going with the happy feeling." But it really IS worth it!!

Hugs!!!

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ceejay

3. 14-02-2008 19:57

You will be able to do it Kellybeth! For one thing, it is totally obvious that you're kind, caring, dilligent, dependable, strong, mature and capable.

And that is coming from someone who only knows you online! So I"m sure there is a LOT more that I just don't even get to see!

There is a native American story about the two wolves inside -- the one is negative and destructive, and the other is positive and life-affirming.
Whichever one you feed is the one that grows!

I'm not so sure you have to "find" yourself - as much as keep feeding the good wolf!!

Love you!

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ceejay

5. 15-02-2008 15:25

Kellybeth, some people spend their whole life trying to figure out "who" they are, and if you talk to some 50,60 year olds, a bunch stillll don't know.

I respect you doctor and can completely see where she is coming from. I do think that it is very important for you to "be whole by yourself" but you can still do this while spending time with someone. I think, hey, if you didn't have a counselor, wouldn't you listen to your heart? And trust me, my heart has led me astray a many times, but I have learned and grown from these experiences. I say do what feels right. Right to you, right to your heart, right to your mind. That is a long relationship you ended and try to analyze this and make sure you aren't just on the "rebound". And you are right, all relationships start off super happy and infactuated with each other. Recognize that this relationship could go wrong to and could leave you unhappy. Will you be okay with that, to put your heart in that situation? Either way, you will learn from your choices and be a stronger person. Much love

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rippelk2

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