Panic Survivor

Saturday, 17 May 2008

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Today Im angry.............

(Thursday, 08 May 2008) Written by faith

Today Im angry because I am SICK and TIRED of being defeated!! I've been stuck in my house for one day too long. I've been negelecting the needs of my children (to spend time with mom) because I might DIE if I leave the house! I've been neglecting my studies because if I sit too long, my body ceases up and I get heart palpitations, numb legs and feet, and I have now fallen a month and a half behind and will need an extension.

Everyday its SOMETHING. Heart palpitations, dizziness, shortness of breath, headaches, you name it I have it, daily. Im soooo sick of being afraid. Sooooo sick of living like this. Sooooo sick of ALLOWING anxiety to win!! I wish it was something tangable so I could kick its ass! All I can do is keep saying to myself "I am STRONGER"! I am FULL of guilt for making my family and friends suffer along with me. I don't go out. I don't have fun. I don't visit. I don't call. I don't do ANYTHING, but walk around my house, watch t.v., ignore the phone, play on the computer, and first and foremost, try not to die!! This is stupid.

I try to talk myself INTO going to the grocery store, ANYWHERE and that DEMON tells me NO. NO you CAN'T go. If you do, I wll get you and something horrible will happen in the process. Isn't that terrible?? Normally, getting angry at my anxiety works, and I hope it does this time, cuz Im at the end of my rope! I hate this SO much! I wish I was "normal". I wish I could get up, go to a job that I love, come home, do something fun with the family, and all that "normal" stuff that other people get to do. Ugh. I don't bless this curse on my worst enemy. A brain transplant would be nice to!!!

Thanks for listening. Im just having an angry day. I just want to live life again. This is just dumb already.

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Comments (1)

1. 08-05-2008 19:34

Not dumb. Actually your blog is quite positive. As you say, normally getting angry at the anxiety works. I've found that the more angry I am and the more bored with the way I am living, the easier it is to get out and do something.

I try to make sure I am out of something essential each day, like bread or milk. That way I at least have to go to the shop. Some days that leads to "well since I'm out I might as well ......"

My world is growing bigger slowly. I'm sure yours will too.