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Further Along This Crazy Journey Called Life
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| (Thursday, 17 April 2008) Written by shazza |
| Well I have run out of money pretty much entirely. I have registered at the dole office and they are going to take another 2 weeks before giving me anything because I left my job in December, and this is their way of penalising me. Yeah, go figure. Anyway so I have $10 in the bank and some change in my pocket. The romantic in me relates it to the ‘starving artiste’ and thinks of such greats like Jack Kerouac, but the reality is that my rent is due tomorrow and I have a personal loan that needs paying.
I applied for two jobs on line just half an hour ago. I would like to work, but the idea of going into new environments is raising my anxiety levels. At my ‘job capacity assessment’ appointment yesterday they wanted to know about my anxiety and about the client who was stalking me and about the police report then about everything else that contributed to my deciding to leave work (all anxiety related) and I didn’t mean to, but when she asked how I cope with shopping centres and going into the building that morning for my appointment I started to cry. Imagine that, in retrospect its funny that I started to cry when I talked about my difficulties shopping – such a girl, lol! Anyway it left me feeling fragile. I gathered my composure, walked out to the car and sat there crying for a bit. I don’t think I’ve dealt with leaving my last job entirely. I know I’m still very angry, so I went home and ate and ate all the junk in the house. I’ve never done an ‘emotional eating binge’ before, but well I don’t smoke anymore, this must be me trying to work out how to expend nervous energy.
A beautiful thing happened the other week though, I was emailing a staff member who was expressing how upset she was when I left, and halfway down the email she said ‘one other thing, when you left we realised how much you were actually doing’. I was laughing and yelling to myself ‘you effin beauty’ and other variations. Too bad their revelation came too late. Anyway I can’t spend my life revelling in my ego and feeling smug. I need to look forward and do something more with my life, so here are my plans: get a job in a small office, save my cash (my lord how I have learnt to value a single dollar during this trying time), and I want to study something – probably photography if I can get in, or jewellery making, but in the meantime, I am going to continue on here on the lounge watching old movies and dreaming of a world (old hollywood) that I never knew. I watched 42nd Street the other day for the first time. Oh! I love old movies.
Much love xx
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