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Does this make me look fat?

(Friday, 29 February 2008) Written by Kellybeth

I’m sad and depressed. I have had a headache for about 2 weeks straight now. I’m tired all the time. I just want to be left alone. But if I was left alone I would be upset that no one was paying attention to me. Whatever I’m never happy.

Ever since Aaron moved out 2 months ago I have been so worried about my bills. I have to pay all the bills by myself. I knew it would be tight but the more I eat into my cushion in my checking account the more worried I get. I need more money. My house is all I have. It scares me to think I won’t be able to live there. But that’s what I do. I need to just chill out. Not worry.

Hmm…. It seems that I need something to be upset about. I NEED to worry and obsess about stuff. It seems that I’m not happy unless I can bitch about something. I can never just say “ok this is how it is” and move on. I pick everything apart and analyze it. Is that what makes me happy? I feel like I’m constantly pulling and grabbing at things that I think will make me happy. But I never have it for long. I have happy moments. But moments are just moments. Work, come home, work, home. I feel like I’m working for my house so I have somewhere to go when I’m not at work. Does that make sense?

I want to do well and mean something to someone. I want to make a difference in someones life. I just want to be someone special. I need to find it in myself and not look to others to validate my thoughts. I am a good person and I treat others with respect. I’m just sick of looking to other people to make me feel important. My body image is shot. I need to find the beauty in myself. Maybe leave the house without make up. I want to stop asking if this “makes me look fat” because I never believe the answer anyway. What is wrong with me?

Please excuse all the random thoughts.

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Comments (6)

1. 29-02-2008 18:44

Random thoughts are what make a great blog!
And I think many of us can relate to your worries - I know I can.
There are no easy answers, but I think as you get older, it is a LOT easier to recognise that you alone ARE special, and you can accept that you are uniqely beautiful - as we all are.
Keep writing those random thoughts - it helps you to come up with answers to your own questions.
HUGS!

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scooby

2. 29-02-2008 20:50

Hi Kellybeth~Your blog makes perfect sense. I felt exactly like you wrote about for most of my 20's. Like Scooby said, as you get older youdo find more happiness in yourself. It is great that you are here, writing about your thoughts, and getting feedback. I wish I would have had a place like this in my 20's

The best advice I can give you is do the things that you love doing. Be around people that you truly enjoy, and get a job that you love. Easy, huh?

With me, I learned that the things you were describing were my low self esteem and insecurities. That caused me to feel depressed and unhappy no mater where I was. I still struggle with that some.

The best thing you can do is be good to yourself and do things you enjoy. No matter what else is going on around you...often you can't control that...but you can decide what you do and who you spend time with.

Keep posting and know that you are not alone. lamy

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lamy12

3. 29-02-2008 23:56

Hugs Kellybeth - you're awesome! And so are your random thoughts.

This is what that separation and growth feel like - at the beginning. As you move through the loss, you will move IN TO the new life, and it will get better.

Don't fret, and don't lose heart. You are special - and you will be able to build a relationship that not only reflects that but also supports you!

It's worth the work and the wait!

Love you---

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ceejay

4. 01-03-2008 01:56

No worries hun about your random thoughts....vrey rough makin it on yer own...indeed i know...and understand the stress factor..learn to love your self...and all will fall into place...dont worry as muc...u need your strength to work...it may take some time hun...but seek to know your self...and love yourself...and all will be much eayer...huggs!...tc

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creek

5. 02-03-2008 13:50

you are a special person and you make a whole bunch of a difference. At least you do to everyone on this site