Panic Survivor

They say that quitting smoking is harder than getting off crack or heroin. What about getting off of anxiety? For me, that has to be the hardest thing on earth to do. Today is a bad day. Im filled with guilt for making excuses as to why I can't go here or go there. Why I can't do this or do that. Its so frustrating. I feel trapped. I've been stuck in my house since before xmas because, god forbid, something "happen" to me while I'm out. I can't stand to be alone in a room, let alone be alone in the house because, god forbid, something might "happen" to me. Im tired. Im sad. Im depressed. Im fed up. No matter how bad I psych myself up to get out and live again, I can't help but think about "what might happen" while Im out. I feel guilty because of the excuses. I miss my kids. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my mom. I miss my friends. I miss me. Have you ever sat in a room full of loved ones and still felt deathly lonely because you are so detatched from stupid anxiety? Ughh. Its a horrible feeling.

I used to be SO strong when I was younger. I was the one people came to when they were feeling down. I felt like I could take on the world and nothing could stand in my way. During my pregnancy with my first child, all that strength started to fade. Now Im weak. I feel like I've been defeated. I don't like that feeling. I HATE not being in control of my thoughts or whats happening to my body. It just makes matters worse. I want my strength back. I want to take on the world again. I find myself depending and leaning on my poor children. They are too young to see me go through this. Its hard. I want to be strong for them. I want them to SEE my strength, so they feel safe. I've become a bummer over the past few months. Let down after let down after let down. Excuses, excuses. I hate my body. I hate my brain. Im having a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day! ~sigh~ Thanks for listening guys. I know it'll pass.

2. 04-02-2008 13:33

I relate to everything you said. I have felt that way SO many time throughout my disorders birth (lol). I'm waiting for it's death too. haha. But I have learned to cope so well. I also had a bad excuse problem, and I am SOOO good at making them too, i can make an excuse for ANYTHING. but finally, i felt like you in this blog and I promised myself. NO MORE EXCUSES.I told my psychologist this because I wanted her to know and wanted her support and advice. I had things i wanted to do by myself, like you say, I WANTED TO LIVE. Anyways, i wrote down everything I wanted to do and then as I did everything I put a check mark next to it and on a scale of 1 to 10 how anxious/panicky I felt, (10 being I was a second away from having an attack). Also, if I didn't end up doing something I wanted to, I had to have a good reason, not an excuse. Then I would report back to my psychologist and we would see my improvement. She would give me feedback, i would tell her my experiences, detailed. What I felt like, what bothered me, what made me happy. I kept desensitizing myself. No matter how bad I felt, going back out there. And this was one of my psych. that actually had to leave work for personal reasons and she gave me a present at the end of our last meeting together. She handed me the LARGEST rubber band ball I have EVER seen in my life! It made me laugh histerically when I first saw it because I didn't understand. She told me that every thing, big or little that I had accomplished, she had put a rubber band on that ball. And it started with only one rubber band. I almost didn't believe her, I couldn't believe how much I had done, there had to have been 100's on there. Anyways, that is one of the best presents I have ever gotten and I keep it on my desk all the time. Sometimes when I have to go on long anxiety ridden drives, I'll bring it with me and when I want to turn around, I hold it in one hand. You can do this yourself. You will be amazed at how much you can accomplish. I believe no matter how weak we feel that all of us suffering with anxiety/panic are some of the STRONGEST people out there. I would like to see arnold schwartzenegger(spelling, i know ;p) have just 1 panic attack. I bet he would be balled into a corner looking no bigger than a child, crying and rocking back and forth! You can do anything you set your mind to!

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